1800 hours: Arrive. Parking lots owned and operated by venue. No other parking offered anywhere near venue. Limits the possibility of debaucherous tailgating, i.e. the kind of amped atmosphere conducive to a takeover. Also clear that parking will cost us ten (10) U.S. dollars. 10 dollars in the hole before we even start. Outlook is dim but excitement remains high.

1830 hours: Scout out spot to set-up. Notice one other booth set-up on premises, a radio station that is promoting the STP show. Friend or foe? Would they disapprove or approve of our endeavor? See it as competition or partnership? All this remains unclear. Regardless, would be unwise to set up our gear in close proximity to theirs. Competition for sound to be avoided at all costs. Bonesaw notes, however, that an affiliation with a radio station would be a good thing in terms of cross-promotion.

1834 hours: Travel 200 yards across venue, away from radio station booth, and find patch of dirt with power outlets coming out of ground. Can only surmise that these are areas where vendors (albeit vendors with permits) are welcome to set up. (See above, radio station). We flag this area as possible location for takeover.

1835 hours: Documentarian (Morgan) notes that a security guard has been keeping direct line of sight on us at all times. He is roaming area in golf cart. Clearly sniffing us out and has concluded that we are up to something. We change our percentage of success prediction (hereafter referred to as "PSP") to 5 %.

1840 hours. Consider venue parking lots as possible location. Discover very minimal amount of tailgating/partying. Area is policed heavily. Beside, concert-goers appear to be in the 30-40 year-old age range. Glory days are behind them and they seem to desire only to enter the venue and find a comfortable seat as quickly as possible. PSP reduced to 4%.

1842 hours: Representative from the radio station approaches and offers us leftover water bottles and cans of R.C. Cola. Inquires of our activities and responds with a "wow, that's really cool". Says that this venue is notoriously tough with security, but wishes us the best of luck. We take our encounter with radio station representative as evidence that most radio people with booths at future takeover locations will be receptive to our takeovers.

1845-1930 hours: Much loitering, milling about, and indecision.

1935 hours: Photographers from the Austin INsite Magazine and the Austin Chronicle approach Bonesaw and inquire about our intentions. Upon hearing of our takeover plans, they get excited and express desire to take photographs for their publications. Bonesaw informs us of this new development and decides that now is the time to set-up as it may lead to our being featured in aforementioned publications.

1940 hours: Hoag takes bass drum out of band vehicle (The Whale) and is immediately approached by aforementioned golf-cart driving security guard. A transcript of the ensuing conversation is below:

Security Guard: "Whatcha doin?"

Hoag: "Oh we're just gonna set up over there and jam."

SG: "Cool."

H: "Mmhmm."

SG: "I presume you guys have permission from the AT&T Center?"

(Silence)

Bonesaw: "I can't in good conscience tell you that we have 'permission'..."

SG: "(laughs) Well, technically I don't have to tell you to stop until AT&T asks me to

make you stop. So...Good luck! (Drives off)."

1941 hours: Much rejoicing. Many exclamations of incredulity. Resume our set-up at the patch of Dirt.

1950 hours: Complete set-up.

1951 hours: Decide that 9 minutes set-up time is sloppy and unacceptable. Resolve to cut set-up time to 4 minutes next time.

1952 hours: Launch into "Hi-Ho".

1956 hours: Launch into "Ramona"

2000 hours: Launch into "Black is Back"

2004 hours: Decide to flip all gear around and face venue where there are more people hanging out.

2006 hours: Approached by team of 9 representatives from the AT&T Center. 65 year-old male with ear-piece asks if we have permit. We reply in the negative. He tells us we must. We apologize. He says next time maybe we can apply for a permit and do this for real. Introduces us to 45 year-old female from marketing department who raises the possibility of our playing during Spurs games during the basketball season. We express willingness to do such things.

2007 hours: Load up band vehicle and prepare for departure.

2008 hours: Security Guard drives up to band vehicle with compliments on performance and well-wishes in future endeavors. Hands over a bill of ten (10) U.S. dollars and says simply..."Gas Money". Parking has thus been paid for.

2009 hours: As band vehicle turns out of venue, look back and see Security Guard in golf cart raising fist in air.

2010 hours: Regard $10-giving security guard as good omen for future takeovers.

Stats

Emails retrieved for email-list: 5 (4 legible, 1 illegible)

Acceptable?: NO

Songs played: 3

Acceptable?: YES

Time of set-up: 9 MINUTES

Acceptable?: NO

Enforcer of shut-down (Security Guard/Venue/Promoter/Police Officer?): VENUE

AREAS OF SUCCESS: contacts with venue established for future opportunities, photographs taken by major publications

AREAS OF FAILURE: set-up time, email-list signatures

REASONS FOR FAILURES: 1) Stone Temple Pilots fans overage/not target audience, 2) venue spread out/multiple access points/no throng of people, 3) parking monopoly by venue, tailgating and partying policed heavily

PERCENT SUCCESS: 80

May 27, 2008 - You don’t just drive 500 miles to Oklahoma NOT to have a good time. We knew that “having a good time” was a virtual guarantee. We may have had no clue what the first ever “Backwoods Bash” Music Festival would be like, but we knew we were going to spend the night sleeping in a tent on the campgrounds. Sold. Good times.

Until we reached Tulsa. Then our moms and friends began calling us, warning us in anxious voices of the impending tornadoes that could be right around the corner at any moment!

But…I can’t say that we heeded their ill portents. I remember watching Smell listening to his mom on the phone, literally looking out the window and around the corner, not seeing any tornadoes, and saying “Pssh… we’re cool…”

And so The Whale swam on…

We got there just before nightfall and didn’t sense any tornadoes. We were told that if the atmosphere suddenly started to look greener than normal, we could expect a tornado. But we didn’t notice anything, so we tried to set up our tent.

At first we didn’t look at the directions. We just sort of unpacked it and walked around the pieces for ten minutes before we decided to cheat and read the instructions.

After that it was really easy, it took like two minutes.

We decided if we all partied, we’d have a good time regardless of the crowd turnout. And unlike other shows, we didn’t have to drive anywhere afterwards. Our sleeping quarters would be 100 yards behind the stage. So we got our brew on and went on around 10pm.

It was an amazing show. At the beginning of our set the crowd was sparse, in the middle it was pretty packed, and by the end people were doing flips off the stage and actually moshing to “3 Will Ride Forth”. I’m not sure what they did when we got to the reaaaaally chill ending, but whatever. They called for an encore and after Twink chugged a full can of beer, we gave it to 'em.

I’m sad to report that we didn’t get any video of the weekend’s hijinks, and that—ladies and gentlemen--is a shame, because not only was it a great show, but afterwards some of the locals who lived on the ranch took us back to their houses (more like a paintball military base) and showed us their collection of dangerous exotic animals, such as the cutamundi, a tree-dwelling, weasel/raccoon type thing usually found in South America. Some were pleasant, some were very, very mean.

Smell found a pleasant one. Classic Smell, I see him sitting Indian style next to the cage scratching one of their bellies.

Ya know, Smell’s into weird ugly animals like that. Like ferrets, He used to have ferrets in his house. And miniature rat dogs like Dogsaw. And Cutamundi.

And not only that, he can perfectly mimic the irritating, frantic, high-pitched noise it makes. Yes!

But like I said, we didn’t get any video, so you’ll have to use your head to picture that crazy scene. We do, however, have some photos. Not of the Cutamundi though. Sorry.

-hoag

TOURSAW X: EAST COAST DIARY:

April 14, 2008 - The second half of the tour went by too quickly. On Thursday, we swam up to New York City for two shows. The first one was at Billboard Magazine headquarters as part of their music in the café series. It was a cool little space, a little hospital-ish in décor, but full of close listeners who seemed to enjoy our tunes. We played the Pieta, Ramona, Hi-Ho, and Tennessee Traveler. I’ll post the videos as soon as we get home. Many thanks to Donna and Kristi for having us. Some highly talented artists have done the café series (Common, Matisyahu, Jon Butler Trio), so it was an honor to be a part of it all.

The show was bananas. Recently we’ve been selling a LOT of t-shirts, the ones with the White Whale/van on the front, and we feel as though we must publicly thank its designer, Joel Skotak. Without Joel’s brilliant artistry, our merch sales would be stratospherically lower. (that doesn’t make sense, does it? “Stratospherically lower”?)

Before the show we broke up into two groups. Bonesaw and I went to throw the Frisbee in central park with our cousin Matt, while Smell and Twink asked to be dropped off at Times Square. Legend has it that from there they went to the Statue of Liberty, ground zero, and radio city music hall, then they took the subway and got lost for quite a while Smell’s famous river-sense—his inner compass—got all spun around and he couldn’t function properly. After some serious deliberations with the Subway maps, they got on the proper shuttle and were spit out onto a street corner where they saw Russell Simmons. (Twink took a picture at point blank range).

The next day we played a really dirty, hype fraternity party at George Washington University in D.C. An old friend named Munkey put the show together and I gotta say, he really made it happen. We played in a dank little basement with graffiti all over the walls (we properly tagged it up) and beer all over the floor (we properly spilled our beers).

Before the show we did a little sight-seeing. Munkey took us around the White House, which is a very awe-inspiring experience indeed. Smell and I wondered how long it would take for security to jump us (shoot us? taser us? somehow incapacitate us) if we climbed over the surprisingly unimposing iron gate that surrounds the property. We decided we’d probably trip an invisible alarm running along the top of the gate, and we’d be shot at with rubber bullets after the passing of a mere second.

We also saw a tent sent up outside the White House where a man (or a group of men in shifts) have been living for more than 30 years protesting the various atrocities this great country has committed against it’s own citizens and those of other countries. 30 years.

When we got back to MomSaw’s house in Philly, we rested up for the show at World Café that night. A lot of our old cronies from back home came out and rocked with us.

The vibe at this show could not have been more different from the vibe at the party in D.C. In D.C., strangers were ripping our clothes off and screaming and dancing. In Philly, our friends and family were sitting at nice wooden tables two feet from the stage, sipping cocktails and applauding politely. Nonetheless, a shirtless Bonesaw managed to climb up on one of those tables and shred a solo.

On our way back home now…Two days of mind-numbing driving. Actually we keep our minds pretty active with discussions about Physics and Space and Politics, it’s really our bodies that get numb.

Stayed at one of the best hotels we’ve ever been to last night in Cookeville, TN. It was a Best Western and it was only $45 or something ridiculous like that. Fridge, two sinks, continental breakfast in the morning. Fantastic. The concierge asked us if we were part of the railroad crew. We said yes…we were aboard the Rock Train, next stop, Platinumville, USA.

After waffles and cereal (and a strange encounter with a sign on the microwave that said “do not microwave eggs, they will EXPLODE”, more of a temptation then a warning, we all agreed) we continued on our journey back to Texas. Austin Reggae Festival, here we come…

April 7, 2008 - Just got through playing two straight nights in Panama City Beach. This is the same place we’ve played before, where we can celebrate the end of our set with a sip or two of rum and a bee-line into the roaring ocean. No joke.

And as always, we were co-billed with our dear friends from The Ugli Stick. If you’ve never seen an Ugli Stick show, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems but the Stick ain’t one.

Let me try to paint a picture.

On the far left you have Dale. He’s a big fella who prefers to stay in the shadows (wears a hoodie and a Yankees cap pulled low over his eyes) but who can’t help but be forced into an “aw shucks, thanks” speech by fans who approach him after a show to tell him how awesome he is and how his solo took you 16 different places and, woah, what’s with his crazy picking techniques? And he can sing too. Hell of a singer.

But the main singer is in the middle. His name’s Birdman. Skills: mathematics, freestyle rapping (maybe the best I’ve ever heard), card tricks (off-stage), ability to use iPhone to it’s full potential (off-stage), innovative acoustic guitar soloist, songwriter, main singer. Competing with Dale for “Top 10 smartest people I’ve ever met”. Birdman’s brilliance is more scattered and in-the-moment—as he says “I have an 8 gig processor but like, no RAM”. Dale, on the other hand, is more contemplative and hungry to straight up dig, which must be why he reads all the time.

Far to the right of the stage is Quentin. He’s a big black dude with a mo-hawk. Add 60 pounds to the word “boogie” and that’s what Quentin is. Does that make sense? He’s like if “boogie” slowed down a little bit because it stepped in too much funk. Hands down the most amazing, virtuosic bass player I’ve ever seen or heard. He literally invented a new way to play the bass. He puts his right arm under the body and his hand plucks the strings upside down. It’s hard to explain. Search “ugli stick’ on youtube and you’ll find it.

Behind the kit is my buddy Tim, who always let’s me use his equipment, which is amazing. He’s got a custom deal with Trick drums, so his set is pretty smooth. Tim is a rock-solid drummer who can play more styles than your starbuck’s has lattes. He’s a self-deprecating, tattooed teddy bear with a heart of gold. Or metal. He loves metal.

Anyway, that’s the Ugli Stick, and they’re wonderful dudes.

The shows were great. Crowds came out despite the somewhat gnarly weather. I’ll post a video soon. Gibler and Addrienne, you guys were so unexpectedly good at nukem. After that, I knew it’d be a good weekend.

Off to Cumberland Maryland to play in the Newlyweds home-town. The Newlyweds saw us on their honeymoon two years ago on Toursaw I, and they’ve hosted us in their town every year. They both have Full Service tattoos and they’re newborn baby was featured on last month’s Wordsaw, wearing a Full Service shirt. It doesn’t get much better than that. See you soon guys.

Toursaw X Band-Member Survey: (Bone…send to everyone or pass this around if you’re reading it in the whale with us)

1. When we get to the Kepner house, I’m really looking forward to ________________.

2. I’m most upset about the unavailability/short supply of _______________ in the cooler:

3. I am currently reading _____________.

4. _____________ takes the most time at rest-stops.

5. Speaking of rest-stops, when we go to them, Bonesaw is most likely to buy ___________, Hoag is most likely to buy _________________, Smell is most likely to steal ____________, and Twink is most likely to buy ________________.

6. Bonesaw never knows where his _____________ is. (only choose one thing, the point here is to find out if it’s his wallet or his cell phone more).

7. The best on-stage moment so-far has been ___________________ (be specific. Don’t just say “when we played freezing dub with Ugli stick, say something in particular about that experience).

8. _______________ wears the same clothes for the longest amount of time.

9. The most structurally compromised piece of music equipment we bring on stage is _________.

10. When the band gets a free tab at bars, I usually order a _____________.

11. I can always sort of predict when Bonesaw will decide to play ____________during a set, but 12. I can never see it coming when he decides to play _____________.

________ owes me __________ (an amount of money).

13. ____________ spends the least money on tour.

14. Hoag is a bad driver because he _____________

15. The worst thing about cooking eggs on the skillet is _____________.

16. I feel the most safe when _____________ is driving, because _____________.

17. On tour, the first of us to show signs of insanity is _____________.

18. My favorite whale signing is ___________.

19. In the whale, the ratio of non-trash to trash is ____________.

20. Most of what we say to each other on tour has to do with _____________.

MY ANSWERS:

1. Playing Scrabble with the folks. They are chumps and I always win.

2. Balance Bars

3. “A History of the World” by J.M. Roberts

4. Bonesaw, unless he really wants to keep going, then he’ll make us all spend no more than 45 seconds.

5. Gum, temporary tattoo, dr. pepper, water (most likely at a very exciting value!)

6. Cell phone

7. Bonesaw’s second solo on the blues jam he did with the Ugli Stick.

8. It’s close, but I think it’s me.

9. My ride cymbal stand

10. shot of rum

11. Battleship/Legs

12. Smell/$10

13. Bonesaw

14. Is always thinking about something other than driving.

15. It always ends up tasting a little bit like card-board and I have no idea why. Also, the yolks look like plastic.

16. Smell because he’s a professional, followed closely by Bonesaw because he’s careful.

17. Smell. He starts twitching at random times.

18. Par: “Meh”

19. 1-1

20. The location of the whale keys.

TWINK

1. Playing basketball at Wentz Run Park

2. No peanuts

3. “Smuggler’s Blues: The Saga of a Marijuana Importer”

4. Bonesaw

5. Bonesaw. Hoag will buy coffee, and waters all around.

6. To me, they are equal, but on this tour I’ve only heard him ask for his wallet once and his cell phone multiple times, but I still think they are equal.

7. I like the part where Birdman freestyled and both Bonesaw and I were able to compensate for (drummer of US) when Tim flipped the beat around.

8. Me

9. Hoag’s cymbal stands

10. Guinness

11. Tasteless Gravy/Have You Been Listening

12. Smell/$665 (not a typo)

13. Smell

14. He spaces out sometimes. But he can park extremely well.

15. I hate the leftover egg residue. The crispy stuff.

16. Smell, because he’s good with traffic and is quick with the wheel.

17. Me. I crave personal space.

18. “Solomon wuz here AKA “C2””

19. 1-1, possibly 1-1.5

20. Women

SMELL

1. free food

2. Almonds (ed. There have never been almonds in the cooler)

3. “Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel”

4. Hoag

5. Twink buys water, Hoag buys temporary tattoos, I steal M&M’s or Beef Jerkey, and Bonesaw buys gas.

6. Wallet

7. Watching Quentin play bongos

8. Hoag

9. Cowbell stand

10. Red stripe

11. Hi-Ho/Water

12. Twink/$4

13. Twinky-P

14. Because he’s late in making crucial decisions.

15. There is nothing bad about the skillet.

16. Me.

17. Twink. Because he starts to hate us.

18. “Good luck—Jamie B. AKA granddaddy”

19. 6-1

20. Women

BONESAW

1. sports. Sports. Sports.

2. gluten free cookies

3. “The Pillars of the Earth” by Ken Follett (almost done)

4. Hoag (though on previous tours, definitely Smell)

5. Hoag WISHES he could buy magazines and sunglasses, but settles for postcards and tattoos. I buy gum. Smell steals plastic cutlery and a soda, and Twink buys water.

6. Wallet, despite its higher value

7. Waging a shredder battle on-stage with Dale, Birdman, and Quintin of the Ugli Stick (as 50 Cent says: “If David could go against Goliath with a stone I could go at Nas and Jigga, both for the throne!”)

8. Twink

9. Cowbell stand

10. I don’t usually take advantage of a free drink, but when I do it’s usually a shot of vodka.

11. n/a

12. Smell/$6

13. Me

14. Never knows how he got to where we are, or where we’re trying to go.

15. The fact that is has 3 legs

16. Smell, because he has an innate sense of the rhythms of traffic flow.

17. Twinky-P. Withrdaws into a state of “Must get home and have alone time” 2-3 days before end of tour.

18. Birdman: “To the best bunch of hornswagglers and scallywags I’ve had the pleasure of plundering with”

19. 8-1

20. Location of items (phones, food, books, etc.)

TOURSAW IX DIARY

FEBRUARY 26th, 2008 (videos added soon as we can get a fast internet connection)

THURS, 2/21 (cont.): Just after sundown we headed out to Auburn for our radio performance on 91.1 FM WEGL. Many thanks to Chris and Andrew for setting this up, I couldn’t imagine a more hospitable and adventurous student radio station, willing to open it’s doors to a strange group of sailors from Austin, TX. We have video documentation of the whole evening, including a saxophone solo by yours truly. Check out the video:

FRI: Left early in the morning to go to our show in Guntersville, but first we stopped in Birmingham to pick up my old college roommate, “Fort”. Fort snuck us into his local YMCA and we rocked a game of pretty intense roundball. Smell and Me versus Fort and Bonesaw (the evening before, Twinky-P had developed some cold/flu symptoms, so the poor guy opted out of competitive contest and slept in the Whale). Anyway, Bonesaw and Fort took the first half 15-11 thanks mostly to the unexpectedly hot hand of Ole’ Fort. Said Smellman at the half, “I can’t BLEEPing stop his stupid BLEEPing mid-range bank shot!!” That, and Smellman’s shooting hand was about as cold as a frozen codish. Nevertheless, we came back fighting in the second half. I attempted to set the tone early with a violent hip-check to Bonesaw in the low post, but Bonesaw answered with one of his own at the other end. Smell and I continued to put the pressure on throughout the second half, but we came up short in the end, losing 30-28. Which means we won the second half, 17-15. So really we split one game a piece, right? Right. (Bonesaw says: “that’s completely bogus. They never had the lead the ENTIRE game. This is just another Hoagman ploy to somehow try to convince people that no matter when he wins or loses, he still wins. –BS).

After the game we showered in the YMCA locker rooms which was a terrifying experience thanks to the number of fat, naked, old dudes who insist on roaming around completely naked.

When we got into Guntersville, we dropped off Bonesaw at the motel where he set about making his microwave dinner. The plan was for the rest of us to head over to this pizza restaurant, pick up a couple of ‘zzas, and scoop Bone on our way back to the bar we’d be playing at that night. So we placed out order with the hostess and she said “it’ll be ready in about 30 minutes.” After 40 minutes she said it wasn’t even in the oven yet and that they were really backed up. Smell suggested that he and I—with our combined pizza-making expertise, honed from years of quality training at various parlors around Austin—offer to help the kitchen staff catch up and get back on track. I thought that was an excellent idea, but on our way over to the hostess we caught a glimpse of ourselves in the mirror and remembered that we have incredibly long, dready, unruly hair, and that nobody in their right cabesa would consent to our presence in a food-prep work-station. So we instead told the waitress to please do the best she could because we were in danger of being late to our gig. She told us she would, and we waited for another ten minutes before she gave us the unsettling news that our pizza was still not in the oven. We told her we were sorry but we had to cancel the order and take off, at which point she admonished us for “not getting here earlier.” We left with our tails between our legs.

It was 8:30pm and we were panicking because Bonesaw told us we wouldn’t have time to eat until after the show. As we all know, a hungry dog is an angry dog, so things got tense amongst the group.

We jammed to a packed house of somewhat bewildered 30-45 year-old country folk at “Boondock’s”, and afterwards ate some KILLER cheeseburgers. Those nitwits over at the pizza place told us that Boondock’s had terrible food, but screw them, they’re obviously liars as well as slow pizza-makers, because these cheeseburgers were magnifico y delicioso. After eating, we partied with the locals. Here's the video:

SAT: Split town pretty early so we could get to Auburn for our show at “Ale House” with time for dinner, but certain misfortunes befell us on the road that delayed our arrival. It went like this:

Hoag (halfway to Auburn): Man, we’re getting pretty low on gas.

Bone: What’s “pretty low”?

Hoag: We’re at Empty.

Bone: We’re at Empty??

Hoag: Actually we’re a little bit below empty.

Bone: Can we make it to Alex City in 12 miles?

Smell: Yeah for sure…

And right at that moment, the Whale sputtered its last gurgling breath, and the verbal assaults on Hoag began. From Bonesaw “You are HELPLESS!” From Smell “(laughter) ohhH! Aaaaahaahahaha! OHhhhh, you dumbass….a-hahaha!” From Twink “Dude I told you before we left to keep an eye on the gas.”

I argued that I was doing the band a favor by giving us a “running-out-of-gas-in-the-middle-of-nowhere” story. What’s a touring band without an experience like this? I asked them. They were not buying it, and told me to go with Fort (who, thank heavens, was following us in his own car instead of traveling with us) to pick up a gallon of gas. (Bonesaw adds: “In all our time out on the road, we’ve NEVER had anybody follow us in another car. This is the only time. Further proof that Hoagman, no matter what mess he gets himself into, always finds a miraculous escape route. Gotta love him.”). Video here:

So Fort and I drove fifteen minutes up the highway and bought an emergency gallon. We brought it back, shoved it into the tank, and lo and behold….the Whale still wouldn’t start. So again Fort and I drove the fifteen minutes up the highway and bought an emergency gallon. We brought it back, shoved in into the tank, and lo and behold…the Whale still wouldn’t start.

But then Smell came to the rescue with a wonderful ignition/gas-pedal pumping display that got the engine revving correctly. He popped it in drive and we were on our way. Total time wasted: 1 hour and five minutes. Big freakin’ deal. (Bonesaw adds: “Hoag forgets to mention that now the Whale has trouble starting”).

Auburn was a fun show. Everybody who came out it did so because of our promotional efforts from earlier in the week, so it was nice to see that some of that paid off. Aside from the show itself, there were two main highlights. One was watching Smell take a flaming shot, and the other was this balloon-sculptor virtuoso make us a balloon-sculpture of Bonesaw and the White Whale. Video here:

SUN: Fort headed back to Birmingham in the morning, and FS continued on to Atlanta. It was Bonesaw’s birthday, the big THREE-OH! Too bad we spent most of the day driving and then playing a very poorly-attended show late on a Sunday night. But such is life I suppose. We did manage to fit in a game of soccer at Piedmont Park, however. And we all know that if Boneman gets to play a competitive sport, his day is complete and he is content. So we were glad that he at least got that.

MON: Since Sunday was kind of crappy, Bone wanted to head to the beach on our way to Tallahassee and spend some time amongst the sand, sun, and water. So we went to Panama City and hung there for a while. He and I battled Smell and Twink in 3 games of Nukem (volleyball kind of, but where you catch it and throw it instead of bump it and hit it). Smell and Twink took the first game (I don’t know how), and Bone and I took the next two to take the best-of-3 tournament. After the game Bonesaw took a run and swam in the ocean, even though it was not hot or even warm outside. I think he had made up his mind the day before that temperature would not be a factor in his decision to get into some salt water. I guess once you turn 30 you develop that sort of “i-don’t-have-much-time-left”, “devil-may-care” attitude. (First 30 joke of the year!)

Later that night we got a room at Econo-Lodge, watched Lost on abc.com (mind-blowing), and grabbed some dinner. Bone went to the grocery store, Twink had some soup, and Smell and I went to a local pizza parlor and ordered the biggest pie I’ve ever seen. We couldn’t even finish it. It totally owned us.

TUES: Right now we are driving to Tallahassee to promote at FSU for our show at Beta Bar tomorrow night…

FEBRUARY 21, 2008

WED. (FIRST DAY): This day can be characterized by driving, coughing, hocking loogies, nose-blowing, and Rambo. We traveled all day, stopped at a movie theater and snuck in to see Rambo (blood, blood, explosions, blood, explosions, blood, credits), then plopped ourselves into some hotel beds and hoped for a better tomorrow.

THURS: We still felt crappy due to our coughs and congestion, so we again snuck into a movie theater in Pascagoula, MS and saw Jumper, starring Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson (Smell’s future wife), and a silver-haired Samuel L. Jackson. It was bad, and we knew that going in. Did it matter? Not even a little bit. Totally entertained. Later that night there was more coughing, and a show at The Celtic. Our voices were broken from our sickness, and it didn’t help that every patron in the bar was smoking AND there was a guy with a hooka set up next to the stage supplying us with a steady stream of throat-irritant. But who cares, it’s a bar, and it’s all good. We rocked it and made some friends (finally got to meet and hang out with one of our most dedicated street-teamers, “Pascagoula Jeff”). You know, the Celtic is a great place. The owner’s name is Ryan and he’s one of the cooler dudes that lives in the Gulf Coast. He’s so punk rock (though he doesn’t look like it) that he puts out a hand-made rock magazine around town, and he interviewed us for it after the show. We did it in the bar kitchen and he asked some excellent questions. (“What’s your favorite Beatles song?” “Bonesaw, what’s your deal with all the exercising?” “Hoag, what did you do for your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?”). Speaking of Valentine’s Day, Smell was determined not to let the day go by without bringing some warmth to a lady’s heart. So he asked Laurel, the bartender we met on Toursaw VIII, to be his valentine and presented her with a tiny bouquet of “flowers” (they were mostly weeds he picked from the concrete out in the parking lot…It’s the THOUGHT, people!). Laurel was very appreciative and stuck the bouquet in a vase that was already home to a dozen roses given by a bar patron with perhaps a little more cash-flow than our hero Smellman.

FRI: To Uncle Tim’s and Aunt Lori’s in Mobile. Our third stay here. We checked in then went to a park and watched a random soccer game. Smell rooted for the black team, Bone and I for the orange team until we realized they were a bunch of underachieving cry-babies. So we went over to join Smell’s black team and lo and behold, he had become their hero-mascot. They were cheering his name in the huddle and everything. Apparently this team was the laughing stock of the league, and the orange team was ranked 8th in the state, so they were having a blast and got quite a kick out of this random dreadlocked dude cheering them on. They came to love Bonesaw and I as well and it was all very heartwarming. They lost on double overtime penalty kicks, but to them it was a victory. Afterwards, we ate some pasta and headed over to Grand Central for the first of two nights. This is the place where we play for the whole night, one of those behemoth 3 hour deals. Bonesaw and I were a little intimidated because we knew our voices were weak like Screech Powers thanks to the cough, but upon entering the club we were immediately lifted by the discovery of our old FS banner that we had left behind on toursaw VIII. The show proved to be…fair. I’m not sure we “sang” so much as we had “intense fits of cough”, but overall it was a good show. Perhaps the highlight was not having to unload, because we’d be playing there the next night too so we could leave all our stuff on stage.

SAT: We went back to the park to root for the black team but they weren’t there, so Smell and Bonesaw played Frisbee golf in the woods, I went for a run and did pushups and coughed stuff up, and Twink read his Van Halen biography and slept in the van. The show that night was way better. Huge crowd, lots of love, and my voice was back in business. Our last set was actually the best, which is a testament to the partying stamina of mobilians. At freakin’ 2:45 in the morning and there was no sign of the audience quitting anytime soon. Twink and Bonesaw seemed to get a second wind from a beautiful girl in a gold dress dancing in the front, Smell stayed in the game thanks to a beautiful girl with dreadlocks dancing in the front, and I—as ever—needed only the love from the rock to keep me on task.

SUN: We went to bed at 5am on Saturday, so we slept well into the day on Sunday, which means Bonesaw slept until 9am, and Twink and I slept until 2:30pm. I don’t know what time Smell slept until because he wasn’t anywhere to be found. Sunday was pretty slow. Aunt Lori made us some lasagna and Reagan (the 5 year old daughter) made us pretend ice-cream, chicken, fruit salad, turkey, French fries, and boiled carrots. Fisher Price style.

MON: When Smell got back to the house we said our goodbyes to the Taylor family and headed out to Alex City, AL to spend the night at the Royal Inn. We had nothing to do until Wednesday when we’d go promote in Auburn, so we grubbed on some Subway and rented Miami Vice with Collin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. (Does his last name have two “x”s or am I making that up?). Anyway, this movie was pure garbage and though only Twink stayed awake until the end, we loved every filthy minute of it.

TUES: After Bonesaw and I drank our morning motel-coffee (coffee tastes different and weird out of a small Styrofoam cup), we hit the road for Mama Anne’s (Smell’s Grandma’s) house. We had a mountain to climb, so we dropped off Twink at Mama Anne’s (on the disabled list thanks to a sprained ankle), and headed to Cheaha National Park for 4 solid hours of trail-hiking, off-trail hiking (i.e. getting lost), creek jumping, eating lunch in the bamboo forest, getting our shins torn to shreds by thorned creepers reminiscent of barbed freakin’ WIRE, and finally, in the end, fort-building. The fort turned out to be a legitimate structure that could provide cover and shelter from the elements. I know what you’re thinking. “Show me some proof”. But it just so happens that the video camera battery died right before we finished, and my camera phone memory card was full, so unfortunately there is no proof of the integrity of our “fort”. I guess now it’s just a question of how much faith you have in our survival skills. But I’m telling you, this thing would stay standing in a (very mild) rain sprinkle.

Anyway, Smell and I made a documentary about the whole experience and I’ll edit it and post it online as soon as we get back to Austin (maybe sooner if I can find the right type of cord at a radio-shack while on the road).

WED: We drove the whale over to Auburn for the day to promote for our show on Saturday, and ended up scoring a live on-air performance on the college radio station, 91.1 WEGL-FM. We then set up shop with an acoustic takeover and handed out a ton of demos to an extremely receptive and welcoming student body. Two Sociology students even interviewed us for their class. I think it was because we looked weirder than everyone else on campus. But I can tell you this, those two students were way weirder than Full Service. Sample question: “When was the last time you went to the grocery store, and did you buy condoms?” I’m not complaining, the stranger the questions the better. You know how sick we are of hearing “How did you become a band?” and “Who are some of your influences?”

Stay tuned for more. It’s dinner time at Mama Anne’s…

November 30th, 2007 -

You may be asking “why have there been no funny updates recently? Why isn’t there lots of new stuff up on the website?” well, the answer is that we’ve been totally obsessed with rehearsing and writing for our new album due out January 19th and it has taken over our lives. Particularly Hoagman’s life as he has the most complex parts (drums and vocals) and also practices about 100X more than the rest of us in the band. But even I, Bonesaw, have been practicing hours a day in my seat by the window in my blue bedroom, working and reworking all my solos and riffs. Hoag and I, after an hour or two (or three or four in his case) of solo jamming will then get together in the jam room and drill over the parts. So like a swimmer getting ready for a huge meet, we’re now peaking and ready to hit the studio, which we will do at 9AM on Monday morning. Here’s a little video clip from a jam between Hoag and I on the new song “Egwene” (though it will probably be named something else on the album). And no, that's not a yawn from me, i'm just singing along!

So hang tight and get ready for “The Dig” – 15 tracks that will soon be legend. and now, back to the jamming. . .

Love, BONESAW

TOURSAW VIII UPDATES:

October 21, 2007 -

Toursaw VIII has hereby come to a close. We played the last show of the trip last night in Hattiesburg, MS, and now we’re inside the belly of the Whale headed back to Tejas. But before I offer you a wrap-up of the 4 remaining cities in these Toursaw VIII diaries (Atlanta, Gainesville, Tallahassee, and Hattiesburg), allow me this brief foray into the art of equipment loading.

It’s the end of the night, usually between 1am and 3am. With so many thoughts of cereal and sleep fluttering through your head, it’s almost impossible to keep your eye on the prize of packing the Whale. But it’s a challenge, and we in Full Service love a good challenge. The question is, can we turn our brains off (to keep from feeling the pain/fatigue/frustration that accompanies such an arduous task) without also turning our bodies off (so that the physical exertion required by this task remains possible)? Athletes must do this all the time. They get tired, but they refuse to listen to their tiredness. And the great thing is, we are all there for each other when we see somebody’s body turn off. Smell fell asleep while standing upright next to the Whale last night, and I reminded him that he must only let his brain go dead, not his eyes, legs, arms and back. (Although, since my brain was appropriately turned off, what I actually said to him was something like “grunt grunt, ooga booga, naaa!”) Not surprisingly, our smelly hero snapped to, and resumed the hustle.

Anyway, we left off with Atlanta. A beautiful town, truly. We managed to find a huge park in the center of town to hang out at before the show (Piedmont Park). Twink practiced balancing the soccer ball on his head while Bonesaw—the greatest hucker this side of Neptune—threw 300 yard Frisbee bombs to me and Smell. On the walk back to the club we found a sidewalk of wet-cement and wrote “Full Service rules!” in it. Hopefully it becomes a landmark some day, huh? When we actually got to the Whale we realized that the back door was wide open. WIDE open. We all hung our heads in shame.

We played with some great bands that night, including a band we played with way back on Toursaw I: The Original Tour, at a really crappy place in D.C. called “The Grog and Tankard” (admittedly, a very cool name). I forget the band’s name right now, but we both remember each other, and it was utterly bonkers to be meeting up again 2 years later in Atlanta of all places.

Anyway, our set was properly righteous, as the sound guy was awesome and got us all in the mood by playing Mastodon on the P.A. before we took the stage. Mastodon hails from Atlanta, and we were all hoping they’d come to the show. I have no idea why they would, but…they didn’t. Bonesaw wore his Mastodon T-shirt his friend Dallas (from Lonestar Pornstar) got him for his birthday, just in case.

Many thanks to Fabulous Abby, our Atlanta myspace commander for coming out to the show with a bunch of people. I’m gonna keep sending you demos and stickers so you can further spread “da word”). Also, Shake, it was great meeting you man. This guy Shake was so on point with the Service, he just GOT it. He told us that while we were soundchecking and playing all these metal riffs, he knew we would eventually play one-drop reggae during our set. He said it wasn’t the dreadlocks that tipped him off, it was the way Bonesaw dipped and dodged to the music.

And to that other dude, the one who said he really dug us and works for BMI…well, first of all I don’t believe that you work for BMI. You bragged about it too much. But you were a nice guy and we really appreciate your generosity with the vibes.

One more noteworthy note about the Atlanta experience (“noteworthy note”…such poor form): we’ve all heard horror stories about touring, but this one might take the cake. One of the bands that night, Endway, asked to borrow our flashlight because they had locked the keys in their van. When I went down to the parking lot at the end of the night to get it back from them, they were still working on it. Two dudes were on the roof, one prying open the door with a much-too-small screwdriver, and one jabbing a much-too-thin clothes hanger inside the window to pull up the lock. The third member of the band was on the other side of the van shining our flashlight on the lock opposite him. It was 2am, and as I spoke to him about their bad-luck, he began to explain that this was only one in a series of misfortunes. First, their van broke down completely, so they had to rent this one. Then, they crashed this one into a deer and busted up the front grill. (I walked to the front of their vehicle at this point, and indeed, the deer had done considerable damage). They play in Austin at Momo’s on November 16. We’re supposed to meet up with them to get our flashlight back.

Next up for us was Gainesville, Florida. Ever heard that song about the “Suwanee River”? Waaaay down yonder on the suwa-NEEE rivERRR!” Well we stopped at Suwanna River Park to play some soccer. Smell and I rolled and evened the Toursaw VIII series to 3 games apiece.

Gainesville’s always a good time. The day of the show we always head over to campus to do an acoustic takeover and hand out demos and flyers for the show. It’s usually pretty safe on campus, but this time Smell got attacked by a zombie. Instead of helping him, I decided to bust out the video camera and document the terror. I’ll post it soon.

Anyway, our musical home in Gainesville is a small reggae-flavored bar called “The Sidebar”. The guy who runs the place, Anthony, pulled a fast-one on us and advertised us on their myspace page as being an “Emo band”. When I got to the club I accosted him for this gross misleading of the public, and he just started laughing his ass off. I gotta admit, that’s pretty good. Anthony’s a good dude. He had Austin heroes Grimy Stiles at the Sidebar a couple weeks ago, and as we were loading in, the bar was actually jamming their CD on the P.A. We all kinda teared up with Austin Pride. Their CD is really sick, by the way. If you don’t have it, I recommend getting it somehow. It’s pure dub and it’s delicious.

To our good friend Laney, thank you for wandering the parking lot looking for a different club and taking Smell’s suggestion that you instead hit up the Side Bar for our show. We’re so glad you dug it, and we’re eternally grateful for you help in carrying the equipment out to the Whale. Good luck becoming a tiger-trainer and realizing whatever other zoological dreams you may be nurturing.

From Gainesville to Tallahassee it’s about 7.5 hours, and along the way you can feel a distinct change taking place. Gator license plates give way to Seminole ones. Blue and Orange paint jobs yield to Red and Gold paint jobs. The FU-FSU rivalry is not a joke. It’s a real hatred. It’s worse than Jerry/Newman; it’s worse than coyote/roadrunner, it’s even worse than Hoag/Smell.

Our good buddy Pontsaw got us a show playing at a small $5-all-you-can-drink bar on campus called “The Tribal”. Best show of the tour, easily. We used our own P.A., our own small string of Christmas lights, and had no monitors, but it was by far the most hype show we played this past two weeks. Thank you Pont, and thank you for letting us stay at your pad. Pont lives with 3 of the most Joe-College dudes I’ve ever met. When we woke up the morning after the how at 9am, they were already drinking bloody mary’s, filling flasks for the tailgate later that day. I also overheard them talking about Halloween costumes. They planned on being tampons. That’s just gross. (Bonesaw note: it was actually these guys MOM who was making the bloody mary’s, much to the horror of Smell, who had been sleeping on the couch until the whole fam busted in at 8am with drinks and breakfast. He wasn’t happy).

Before we left FSU, we played the final game of the Toursaw VIII soccer Tournament in Pont’s perfectly manicured, on-all-sides-gated backyard. It was wet, which neutralized our speed advantage, so it was a very close game. Overtime in fact. But in the end, as is most often the case, Smell and I prevailed, keeping the crown of “best two-man soccer team in the world”. Basking in this glory, we headed off to Hattiesburg for one last show before our return to Austin.

Shows in Hattiesburg are always hit or miss. Our first show there, during Toursaw IV, was jam-packed. Our second show, during Toursaw VI, was empty, because everybody was out of town for Easter. Our third show, during Toursaw VII, was packed, and last night there were probably 50 people in the club. It probably would have been 200 had most students not been out of town for fall break. But Superfansaw Lori Long, from the show in Auburn was there, and she brought a crowd of about ten. She’s such a sweet girl and so supportive of our efforts and the efforts of other independent bands, she’s really an example of the reason we do this stuff. She spreads the word, listens closely to the subtleties, brings crowds, and best of all, dances her heart out. We love you Lori, and we’ll definitely be in touch. Come visit Austin, you’d love it here.

I leave you with this list of ways in which Toursaw VIII changed the Full Service set:

--Our new song “The Tea Has Bubbles” has become a band favorite and will be played with increasing frequency at Austin-area shows. Same goes for “Blue Glass Lake”, “Hotter in The House”, and “Blueberry Farm.” (Bonesaw adds: “Blasted Lands is clearly the best FS tune in the new set, it’s just that only the most heavy crowds, such as Houston, can handle the rocking.”)

--The “get down reaaaal low” part of Stand by Me has reached a new level. Last night Hoag was on his knees, and Smell was actually splayed out on his back. So next time you see us play this, which for all you austinites will be at the Flamingo Cantina show on November 3rd, make sure you get as low as you can possibly get. We all need to be on the same level, people. And getting high is too easy. It’s time to go subterranean.

--Bonesaw has developed a mental block which for some reason disables him from remembering to play the last four bars of the first verse of Ramona. This mistake has serious consequences resulting most often in extreme dissonance between my vocals and the chord he plays on guitar. Last night he did it correctly, but it remains a concern.

--Smell has a cowbell solo during which he sometimes solicits assistance from the audience. Plan accordingly.

--I have recently decided to give myself the freedom to not play drums when I only feel like singing. Of late I have taken to singing sans drumming at the beginning of “Legs” and “Never be Saved” and “Broken Women”.

See you soon everybody,

Hoag

October 15, 2007 -

Smell won the 2nd Car Bingo list. We were stopped at a red light in Goodwater, Alabama (home of Smell’s Grandma “Mama Ann”), and he said to us very calmly, “Ohmygod…calvin…pissing….” And sure enough, barely visibly, in the middle of a much bigger chevrolet sticker, we all sadly, hesitatingly, acknowledged it’s presence. It was all sort of anti-climactic actually. I don’t mean to diminish Smell’s victory in any way, I’m just saying...I don’t think any of us wanted to accept that the greatest, most competitive game of car bingo ever played…was over.

Anyway, we started a new list, hoping to repeat the magic. It’s been a good game so far. Smell and I both only have 2 left. Smell has “Person on bicycle” and “honor roll student sticker on back of car”, and I have “double wide mobile home being carried by 18-wheeler” and “honor roll sticker”. It should be an interesting finish because, as smell noted, there’s probably not a lot of honor roll stickers floating around small-town Alabama.

Speaking of Alabama, we knew we were in Guntersville when the bar owner apologized for the low turnout (even though it was fine) by explaining, “This is the first day of huntin’ season and everybody’s out shootin’ this whole weekend”.

But no disrespect to ‘Bama. It’s a beautiful place, full of beautiful people. The most beautiful of whom, is Smell’s Grandma, “Mama Ann” (which is really pronounced “Ma’man”). Ma’man has been so nice to us, cooking us hearty home-cooked dinners like chicken with broccoli and spaghetti with meat sauce. She’s done our laundry, made us eggs in the morning, put out cookies for us, watched football with us, laid out bath towels for us, gotten directions to Atlanta for us…and all we’ve done is change a light-bulb in her garage. We love you Ma’man. Can we come for Christmas?

As I said, ‘bama is a beautiful place. Today we hiked the Cheaha Wilderness in the Talladega National Forest. It was brutal. It was awesome. Legs hurt. Mostly around the hip joints.

Total walking time: 4 hours, 35 minutes.
Total amount of water consumed (as individuals): ½ Liter (that’s not very much)
Total number of peanut butter and honey sandwiches consumed: 4 (that’s also not very much)
Total number of totally awesome walking sticks found: 2
Total number of totally awesome walking sticks put in the whale and kept for posterity: 2
List of animals seen fighting:

1) Wasp v. Wasp

2) Hawk v. Hawk

3) Dog v. Deer

4) Twinky-P v. Fly-In-His-Face

Tomorrow we head to Atlanta as the shows continue after these last two days off, which were joyously spent watching football and playoff-baseball and Dante’s Peak, starring Pierce Brosnan.

Until next time, ye dogs!

Hoag

October 13, 2007 -

Two bad things about these travel bingo games.

1) the driver keep his eyes on the road for a far lower amount of time than he should.
2) You can’t sleep in the van for fear of missing out on any items.

Twink and Smell and I have only one more item to cross off: a sticker of Calvin taking a pee. The atmosphere in the van right now is extremely tense. We are all on edge. I can only imagine the celebration that will ensue whenever one of us chances upon this holy grail. You’ll probably be able to hear it from where you’re reading this right now. Especially if it’s Twink who wins. He is by far the most vocally enthusiastic participant in this game. Tranquilizers have crossed our minds.

Last night we were in Auburn for a show at Rooster’s. Auburn is a beautiful campus, by the way. Maybe it was the time of year, but it just felt good being in this town. About 6 degrees to chilly (Bonesaw and Smell and I had to pick up some $7 fleece jackets at K-mart), but otherwise perfect.

Tonight we play Mugshot’s Bar in Jackson, MS. Our old friend “Mississippi Erin” is putting us up, so she gets today’s MVP award. Apparently this place gets packed on weekends, so let’s hope for a bumpin show tonight.

October 11, 2007 -
Well you salty dogs, I was hoping to hit you with a hilarious video-diary, but I am unable to transfer video to this laptop. Apparently they don’t make a 4 pin DV to USB firewire cable for these things, so I’ll have to wait until I get hope to edit all of this tasty road footage. We shot a killer Cribs episode of Twinky P’s childhood home in Kingwood, TX, and we chronicled our desperate search for a Golden Corral in Slidell, LA.

We’ve had three shows so far. In Houston we opened up for Lonestar Pornstar, Faceplant, and the Dirty Wormz. We all knew that LSPS and Faceplant could throw down, but we’d never seen Dirty Wormz. Those dudes are pretty sick. DJ Crash and Smack (the MC) are an unstoppable duo. We talked to Crash afterwards and we’re gonna hook up some shows together in Austin.

After Houston we headed to Mobile, AL, where we again descended upon the Taylor household (Smell’s relatives) for 4 days and 4 nights. Twinky-P went out with Uncle Tim to his office poker-night, thinking he’d win some big money, but it wasn’t his night. He lost $20. I can only imagine what Tim’s co-workers thought when he introduced them to his friend “Twinky-P”.

We did a takeover at the University of Southern Alabama student cafeteria to promote the show at Fabacher’s on Monday, but after 2 songs a big scary woman named Ursula came up to us and asked us if we had permission to be here, even though she obviously already knew the answer. I’m kidding, I don’t know if her name was Ursula, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. There’s nothing nice about that name, and there was nothing nice about her. screw it, the damage had already been done by the time she kicked us out. Smell had gotten rid of all the demos and stickers and got some chatter going about the show.

After that we went to the local high school to find a pick-up game of soccer. We ended up playing against 6 other High School studs who had way superior foot skills. But as we suspected, we were able to beat them with mind games, trash talk, brute force, and unrelenting hustle. “I didn’t think you guys were gonna be so intense, you look so chill” one kid said, to which Smell replied, “not on the pitch, buddy!“

Anyway, after the game we made peace, and they all signed to Whale and left with Full Service demos.

Yesterday we headed out to Pascagoula for a show at a small-town bar called The Celtic, where I immediately won over the crowd by saying “Thank you Pensacola!”. A few notable things happened at this show. 1) we met a dude with the coolest nickname on the planet: “Apple Sauce”. 2) some drunk butthead threw a chair at somebody, and the bartender, Laurel, came over and strangled him and told him to leave.

But the big story of the tour so far has been the new game we’re playing in the Whale during our drives. We make lists of things we must find, and the first one to spot all the items on the list wins an as-yet-undeclared prize. But rest assured, it will be very small and relatively worthless.

We’ve done two lists so far. Bonesaw won the first, and I’m going to win the second.

road kill
fireworks stand
can or bottle of beer on the side of the road
a non-texas of US flag
yellow school bus
orange car
motorcycle
dog
tractor
2 boats
a sign with the word "cajun" on it
car with a broken window
a band sticker
license plate of a northern state

and then here's the new list we're working on now:

one of those stickers of calvin (from calvin and hobbes) pissing
a chinese buffet
a car bra (one of those leather things that fits over car headlights)
propane/septic tank
brown highway park/historical/scene overlook sign
jet ski
car with two window flags
car with one headlight (something we call a "padiddle")
dollar store
3 different farm animals
car with hazzard lights on
fraternity/sorority sticker
a car with audible sub-woofer noise coming from it
a billboard with a photo of an insurance/real-estate agent
two yellow cars

and the rules are, if you make two mis-calls (like if i say "padiddle" and it turns out to have two headlights), you get one thing taken from your list that you've already gotten. also, you can play "defense" by calling out something you already have, thereby preventing somebody else from getting it.

Gotta head to the gig. Talk to ya’ll later.

-hoag

TOURSAW VI UPDATES!
JULY 4, 2007 - So yes, we went to Shipwreck Island! And it was great. How to relay the magical experience? How to adequately convey the speed of the slides? the perilousness of the heights? the sharpness of the curves?

It's impossible. Suffice it to say, we had a rip-roaring time, and rest assured we broke every rule in the waterpark book about hands-and-feet-inside-the-tube-at-all-times, don't-go-down-head-first, no-running, etc. . The only thing bad about it all were the life-guards, or as we like to call them, "Fun-Preventers". They are constantly trying to keep the awesome-level at the lowest possible setting. And why did they look so freaking miserable? You're on Shipwreck Island!, people! Put on a happy face for the people!

Now for a quick numbers game about Toursaw VII:

Number of times we were asked if we were twins (when in pairs), triplets (when a trifecta--as at Shipwreck Island, from which Twink stayed home for reasons unknown). or--I swear--Quadruplets (when rolling all together): 4

Number of times a manager at Golden Corral asked Hoag if he could "please pull up his britches": 1

Number of times the existence of God was reaffirmed: 2. The first time, a chilly beach breeze was making bonesaw uncomfortable in the whale late at night, and he exclaimed, "God! Please close the window". He was talking to Smell and I, seated amidships, but before we had a chance to react, the window blew itself shut. The second time, we were lost in Pacagoula, Mississippi, and we were trying to decide if we should turn back around. At that moment, we passed a sign that said, Church of God: A Good Place to Turn it Around". We obeyed and found the club.

Number of "Live Bait Shops" we saw on the side of the road: 34

Number of Live Bait Shops that had signs up saying "Now Serving Pizza": 1

Number of shows that had incredible sound-systems: 3. The Peachtree in Atlanta, Grand Central in Mobile (thank you Bobby, yours was the best), and Mugshots in Hattiesburg, Mississippi (what the hell is the abbreviation for Mississippi, anyway?)

Number of times Hoag did an interpretive, poetic reading of 50 Cent's "In Da Club": 2

Number of times people responded favorably: 1

Number of times we played a show where a Sega and a TV were set up within 10 feet of the stage: 1

Number of times the plastic knife broke off in the peanut butter jar: 6

Number of times Hoag and Bonesaw beat Twink and Smell in Nucem: 7

Number of times we played Nucem: 7

JULY 2, 2007 -
The last you heard from us, we were at the mini-golf course trying to decide--via ruthless competition--who would do the dishes at the beach house that night. Have I even told you about the beach house? It's quite something. Whenever we play in Panama City Beach, Club Spinnaker let's us stay in a house they have near the beach for bands from out of town. Our show was on Sunday, but since we didn't have a show anywhere on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, they told us we could stay there that whole time.

Pretty sweet deal. The only thing is (and it's a minor thing), we tend to have nightmares while staying there. Mild nightmares. Nothing terrifying. Under normal circumstances, we probably wouldn't have even noticed, or attributed it to being in that house. But when we left town on wednesday morning, we noticed the name of the street we were staying on; I swear to god it was Elm St. That's not funny, it's weird.

But this is not the end of the Panama City Beach Narrative. There is still one thing left to discuss. Something so grand, so fantastic, so full of adventure, you might want to sit down before you start reading about it. (Then again, who really uses a computer standing up? Besides Bonesaw. Did you guys know that Bonesaw is on the computer for at least 3 hours a day and he does it all standing up? I think he does it for the challange. Amazing.)

Back to the big thing I was going to tell you about. The thing so grand, so fantastic, so full of adventure....Shipwreck Island! It's a waterpark, and it's awesome. We passed by it on the way to and from the mini golf excursion, but it was closed. And expensive. And it looked like we'd never be able to go. Ever in our lives.

Then, on Tuesday, Smell and I went out to a used book store. He got a Sci-Fi book called "Time Storm", I got "The Princess Bride" which is easily the funniest book I've ever read. But that's not important right now. What's is important is Shipwreck Island! On the way home from the book store, Smell and I started talking about how cool it would be to go to Shipwreck Island! Too bad none of us could afford it, we kept saying. It sure would be awesome to spend an afternoon on Shipwreck Island! But it wasn't gonna happen. We've all been spending too much money as it is, we kept saying. It was a lost cause, we kept saying.

Then, we stopped "saying" and thought of something. Was there anyway Bonesaw would dip into the band account to fund a field trip? No, we both decided. Then "No" changed to "Well, maybe". Then it changed back to "No.". Then a "Definitely not". There was simply no way we could convince The Saw that this was a wise use of band money. I mean, the best thing we could come up with was, "Hey listen Bonesaw, I think morale is a little low, I think the guys need a little pick-me-up." But that was no good. We'd been lounging on the beach, playing Nucem, sneaking into movies for the past two days. Morale had, in fact, never been higher.

(As an aside, we've become really adept at sneaking into movies. We did it five times this tour. Here's how it works. Smell just walks in the theater and owns it. Walks right past ticket-takers, managers, janitors, etc. He acts like he's talking on his cellphone, trying to find somebody in the theater (who, presumably has bought him a ticket). Then, he goes to the back of the building, opens the door, and just lets us in. It's almost impossible to get caught sneaking into a movie theather when you have Smell running point. One time an employee walked out of a back office at the very moment Smell was ushering us through the back exit. The guy looked us straight in the eyes and just ignored us completely. I don't know why, but we just never get caught.

Not that it doesn't weigh on our collective conscience. Actually it doesn't really. But one time while we were at the back of a theater waiting for Smell's head to pop out the back door, we daydreamed about arriving at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter scrolling down his little profiles on us and saying "Well, you guys were--for the most part--good people. But this movie theater thing is just too much". Then he'd say, "But it's not enough to send you to Hell per se. I'll send you to like a Junior Varsity hell. Some place that's perpetually 99 degrees, not 4,000 degrees. Someplace miserable, but tolerable." "Oh sweet jesus..." we'd reply, "you're sending us back to Houston!")

But back to what's really important. What's really fantastic and full of adventure and grand. The story about Shipwreck Island! As I said earlier, there was no way we could convince The Saw that this was a wise use of band money.

Then we thought of something. By allowing us to stay in their beach house for three nights, Spinnaker saved us a bunch of money on hotel rooms. About $100. Why not blow it all on Shipwreck Island!? We'd use differently language of course. Instead of "blow it all on", we'd say "treat ourselves to". It's all about how we approach him, we decided. We couldn't act too excited or gung ho (which would be hard. Smell and I were pretty well amped at the mere possibility of it all). We'd have to mention it as a kind of passing fancy. A "hey, what do you think man?"

He shut us down. Firmly. Then a strange thing happened. He came out of the bathroom 10 minutes later and said softly, "I could be convinced". He then made us explain to him again why we thought he should permit this seemingly heinous misuse of funds. All we could come up with was a kind of pathetic "'cause it'd be fun." Unbelievably--and I do mean unbelievably--it did the trick. What a coup! Smell and I could not believe it. We were going to Shipwreck Island! And we were going in five minutes...

(To be Continued...)

Unrelated news flash: We are back in Austin and have a show this Friday @ Rockin' Tomato. Our friends from NYC "Fortress of Attitude" play at 9:30, and we play at 11pm. ALL AGES. Fortress of Attitude is a hilarious, brilliant, and absurd band possessed of a high level of musicianship and a goal worthy or your appreciation and support. Here is their bio:

Fortress of Attitude is a ragtag band of rock extremists, willing to spread rock and roll through ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

When the four founding members of Fortress of Attitude (Bomb Threat, Sniper Kitty, Butch Deadlift and Dr. Genius) were thrust together in the infamous rock work camps of Country Radio City, they vowed if they ever found a way out, they would dedicate their lives to absolute rock liberation. It wasnt long before Dr. Genius assembled a master escape plan, and the quartet fled to safety in the sewers beneath Rocktropolis, the last free city in the Union. There, they erected their mighty Fortress of Attitude, welcoming all those who still believe in the freedom of rock.

From the Fortress, this group of radical insurgents coordinates tactical strikes wherever rock is oppressed in an effort to spread their doctrine of a free rock society.

Thank you for joining the fight. You are a dutiful soldier and will be rewarded handsomely upon the liberation of rock and roll. To find out how you can further help the resistance, please visit www.foamissioncontrol.com. See you on the march!

JUNE 28, 2007 -

Dear Jack,

So before I hit you with the recap of the mini-golf game in Panama City Beach, let me first brief you on our crappy time in Atlanta, or as I hate to call it, “The A-T-L”. (I don’t know when this trend started—referring to cities by spelling out their airport abbreviations—but I’m not down with it for some reason. People do it with Austin, too. “The A-T-X”? Austin is such a beautiful name, why must we corrupt it so?)

Anyway, we got to the club in ATLANTA, moseyed into the door (past a sign telling patrons that sleeveless shirts and backwards hats were not allowed—??), found the booker and asked about set-times and load-in:

Bonesaw: “Hey man, I’m Bonesaw from Full Service”

Booker: “Awwww…..awww dude……shit…..I totally forgot you guys were coming”

Awesome! So Beavis decided the best he could do was give us a 9:30-10:15 slot, since he’d promised the headliner the 10:30pm-2am slot. (That’s a 4 and a half hour slot for anyone who’s counting).

It’s all good though, shit happens like this sometimes. At least the sound-guy did a killer job, and though I thanked him twice from the stage, I’d like to again extend my gratitude for scrubbing the microphones with a toothbrush covered in Listerine. I’ve never seen anyone do that before, but it makes total sense. Those things get nasty.

Despite the mix-up, we’re glad we went to Atlanta. Otherwise, we never would have had occasion to spend the night with Smell’s Grandma “Mama Ann” and—on the way back—his Aunt Jan and Cousin Danielle, who taught Bonesaw, Smell, and me that with a little determination and chutzpah, we could accomplish things on a trampoline we never even imagined.

At this point, we’ve met nearly every member of Smell’s mother’s side of the family: Uncle Tim, Aunt Lori, Landon, Reagan (Mobile, AL) “Grand Daddy and Mama Wadene” (who came to visit us at Aunt Jan’s), Aunt Jan, Danielle (La Grange , GA), and Mama Ann (Goodwater, AL). The only one we haven’t met is Uncle Barry, who lives—I swear—in Austin. That’s preposterous. Where you at, Uncle B??

So…back to the mini-golf game. As I said before, Eric from The Ugli Stick treated us to a game (and later to dinner, where a man and his Russian mail-order bride asked for a picture with us based solely on our unusual appearance). The stakes were this: whosoever comes in last shall do the dishes the next morn, and whosoever finishes first shall win himself a beverage of choice from each of the other players at a rest stop—also of his choosing—on the way back to Texas.

I jumped out to an early lead and played with ice in my veins. There were threats to my standing—from Eric and Bonesaw--but these were short-lived.

After three holes Smell was averaging a 4 or 5, the fires of frustration filling his every blood vessel. Bonesaw’s strange breed of condescending smack-talking didn’t help. “Tough bounce, Smellman. Tough Bounce” and “Can’t make those mistakes, buddy. Can’t make ‘em.”

Anyway, though Twinky-P flirted with the idea of playing worse than Smell, he never quite made the decision, and going into the 18th hole he was up on Smell by nine strokes. Desperate to rid himself of the burden of doing the dishes, however, Smell proposed the following. If he—on the 18th hole—hit the ball into the frog’s mouth (an impossible shot involving a no-way-in-hell bridge that might or might not spit the ball into the frog-mouth) and if Twink did not, then it would be Twink, not he, who would have to do the dishes.

I would not be explaining all of this to you if Smell ended up missing the shot. He made it. He rejoiced. Twink missed it, and cussed.

Also of note is the fact that I almost crapped my game away on this God-forsaken hole. I somehow got a 4. All I had to do was hit the ball up a tiny little hill, and even if I missed the bridge to Frog-Mouth, my ball would disappear into a trough below. But nay! The first time, I hit it too hard, and bounced it off the frog’s face. The next time I did the same. The third time—as you may imagine—I compensated too much and hit it like a 4 year old might. It rolled back to me slowly. Then on my 4th shot, I made it. All Eric had to do was make it in one shot, but he too choked, and shot a 4. Thus, the beverages are mine and the dishes were Twink’s.

Love Hoag

JUNE 27, 2007 -

Dear Jack, (Jack Bauer is the name of our cat - ed.)

How are things back at the house? I hear from your Daniel and Amber that you’ve been carousing around with that orange cat from down the street. Do I hear wedding bells in the distance? Catch any lizards lately? Any birds? Small rodents? That’s my boy!

The cats here in the south are the same as you Texas cats except their accents are thicker. Instead of “meeeeowww!” they have a much thicker drawl, like “maaaay-eeeeeeeeeee-owwwwwwwwwwww—uhhhhhhhhh”.

Things have been real good on the road lately. The show in Tuscalossa was fun, there was even a little doggie in attendance, just roaming the bar. I don’t know what his real name was, but we named him Captain Barbosa because he looked like he was drunk (and sea-weathered).

For the past few days we’ve been hanging out in Panama City Beach. We had a show here at Spinnaker Beach Club on the beach with our fellow hornswagglers “The Ugli Stick”. After the show, Smell and I owned on the email list, and now Bonesaw put us in charge of it for the rest of the days of our lives. It’s cool though, because we found out that—as a team—we’re actually really good at it. Every Batman has a Robin, every Salt has a Peppa, and every Sherlock has a Watson; it just makes sense to go after ‘em as a duo.

During The Ugli Stick’s last set of the evening—round 2am—Smell and I decided to shoot some Captain Morgan then head down to the water to swim in the ocean. (Don’t worry mom, we stayed within 10 feet of the shore, and we could stand the whole time). We tried to summon the Kracken (famed sea-beast who allegedly swallows ships whole) by taunting and cussing him, but the scurvy mongrel was too scared to show his face. (That, or he was hundreds of miles away, in the middle of the sea, busying himself with much more challenging prey).

The next morning Eric, the lead singer of The Ugli Stick (a.k.a Birdman), treated us to a game of mini-golf. I’ll talk about the drama that ensued in my next letter.

Love you, Hoag

JUNE 21, 2007 -
Greatest moments of Toursaw VII (so far)

These updates have never been about the music per se. When the shows go unmentioned, it usually means we played really well, for a decent amount of people, and had a lot of fun. The updates, we all know by now, are about what happens between the shows; on the highway, in the hotel rooms, at rest stops, at the beach. So here they are, the greatest moments of Toursaw VII (and we're only 1/3 of the way through it).

1)Louisiana Lightning: Twink, magnet-o'-bad-weather, was driving, Smell was dozing in the co-captain seat, Bonesaw was working on the computer, and I was watching "Lord of War" starring Nicolas Cage. All of a sudden…POP/CRACK/BANG! Maybe it's just 'cause I was watching a movie about guns and AK-47's, but I was convinced we were under attack from those Libyan terrorists from the first "Back to the Future". We weren't. In actuality, a bolt of lightning had struck the ground maybe 5 feet from the Whale. It was so close to hitting the whale that it splashed mud on the windshield. We all screamed every cuss word in our lexicon, regrouped and went back to what we were doing. Smell to his doze, Bone to his emails, and I to my movie.

2) The old guy at Café Firenze in Birmingham: When Bonesaw introduced himself to this friendly patron, the man replied "Bonesaw, eh? (pause). Hell, took me 'til I was 18 to realize my name wasn't dumbass." Later, he offered his thoughts on love and marriage. "I never understood it…$3 to get a marriage license, $350,000 to get divorced."

3) Hi-tech rest-stop in Louisiana: I swear to you, they were selling lap-top computers in there. Real-ones. Not like those cell-phones and blackberries that look real but turn out to be some kind of weird candy. These were lap-tops. This is the same place where a black woman in full African head-dress said to Smell, "A white man with dreadlocks…I love it!"

4) Billboard Evangelism: Somewhere in Alabama, we saw this Billboard: "Go to church...or the devil will get you." There was even a really scary illustration of the devil. We started driving faster.

5) A true band of gypsies: With so many trips to the beach during the day, and no washer and dryer available to us on the daily, we've turned the back and side of the whale into a clothesline. Underwear, bathing suits, and towels flapping in the 60 mph wind. This is the life.

6) Drill-Hole: His evening performances on the roof of the whale have become the stuff of legend. But everything he's done has paled in comparison to what he delivered two nights ago on our way to the show in Ft. Walton Beach. As he gets older, he gets more daring, more exciting, more progressive. He has truly proven the "less-is-more" philosophy.

7) A conversation snippet: Here is an actual excerpt from a conversation between Smell and me in the Whale. I include this not to show how stupid we are, although I'm sure that will come across, but rather to offer an un-biased sample of Tour-Dialogue:

Hoag: Whatever
Smell: I'll burn your hair off
Hoag: I wouldn't doubt that
Smell: What's that supposed to mean?
Hoag: It means that you'd probably do something like that
Smell: Why would I do that?
Hoag: Well, you said you would, for starters…
Smell: (pause)….psshh…

That's all for now. We're headed to Guntersville, AL, where last night in Birmingham, a hick told us we didn't want to go to Guntersville because it's too hick. This from a guy who told us the best way to catch catfish is to stick your arm in the water, wait for the fish to bite and latch on, then pull your arm out and whack it on a rock. Yaaaaaaay…..

Love Hoag

PS-When I tried to log onto myspace just now, it said our account had been temporarily shut down due to too many failed log in attempts. To the spam hackers out there trying to get figure out our password, we want you motherfuckers to know that you will NEVER GET IT. It's too fucked up. Your machines are no match for the randomness of our numbers and letters. Go to church or the devil will get you. Love, Twink, Smell, Bonesaw, and Hoag

JUNE 10, 2007 -
Hello everybody. I come to report that the pLarty was a huge success. I don’t know if you guys knew this, but acting is fun. Everybody really showed up and brought their A-game. Many thanks to Elizabeth Cobbe and Aimee Gonzalez for writing it, and to Laura for coming all the way from NYC to act in it, and for helping Twink, Bonesaw, our neighbors Daniel and Dominic, and I in our first ever stab at acting. I have video of it that I just need to capture onto youtube, gimme a couple days. I’ll make an announcement.

It was so much fun, as a matta-o-fact, that we’re gonna do this maybe once every couple months. If anybody would like to participate in the next one, just let us know.

We went to see the bats come out from under the congress bridge the other night and Bonesaw and I realized that something….those bats are total rock stars. People wait and wait for them to come out, they usual go on late, everybody freaks out when the little “Scout” bats do a pre-fly (read; soundguys doing soundcheck). This particular night they pulled an Axl Rose and just never came out.

This Saturday we leave for Toursaw VII: Coasting The Gulf. If you are reading this, and you live in Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Atlanta, or Florida, make sure you come to the show. And if you wanna help us spread the word by handing out some demos to your friends, email me at hoag@fullservicemusic.com with your mailing address and I’ll send you a package of demos.

Working on some killer new songs. We’ll start playing them at shows but it could be a little while until we cut another record.

Take it easy

hoag

JUNE 5, 2007 -

"greet, buddy!" that's how a german person who knew minimal english addressed an email to me one time. another time he wrote "salute, chap!"

anyway, hello everybody. here's what my dog Nessie has to say about what Full Service has been up to lately...

"Papa said the show at the Flamingo Cantina was a huge success. I cried and cried when he left to go to the club. I begged him to smuggle me in, but he said I was too big to fit in the bass drum, and that the club owners had some sort of "policy" against pets. They call it a policy, I call it an agenda.

But anyway, the dudes have been really busy lately. I think they're rehearsing for some type of play that they're putting on in their backyard. Little do they know that I've recently "decorated" the backyard with some little stinky somethings. Heeheheeheee. *sigh*.....

Papa keeps saying something about "This Friday, the 8th at 8pm" The other day i ate a copy of an invitation he wrote for the Full Service email list. I've since regurgitated it and pieced it back together, because papa got a little mad. The piece of paper said....

This Friday, the 8th, at 8pm, Full Service will be hosting an evening of Backyard Theater and Music. First, Twink, Bonesaw, Hoag, and their neighbors Daniel and Dominic will perform a short play written by Aimee Gonzalez and Elizabeth Cobbe.The play is about a not-so-typical day at a Middle School. And it's hilarious.

Afterwards, Full Service will be performing acoustically. It's $2 to get into the play and concert, and $5 if you want to drink off the keg we're buying.

We live at 3601 Wilson St. Austin TX. If you've never used mapquest, this is the perfect time to start! We're near 290 and congress.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this means there will be a lot of strangers on my stomping grounds, which of course means a lot of new butts to sniff. Always down for new butts to sniff.

Otherwise, the dudes are keeping busy working on some new material. A lot of new material actually. Papa's been in the jam room a lot lately fooling around with vocal ideas.Most of the songs are done, they just need melodies, which is Papa's favorite thing in the world to do.

June 15th they head out for another tour of the Gulf Coast. They'll be back July 2nd. Which means I get to go stay at 8209 Los Ranchos. I love Papa, but I love it when he leaves and I get to stay at 8209. My boyfriend Jake lives over there. He's a really handsome golden retriever. Although last time I stayed there, Jake and I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood when the ladies were out and someone called the police on us. The police came at us aggressively, so we barked a little bit, then they MACED us! It was nuts. Now I've been getting all these eye boogers lately. I wonder if it's because of the mace. Papa says he'll take me to the vet soon."

Thanks Nessie. You did a great job. That's all for now folks. See you at the Backyard Theater Night on Friday. I promise to pick up the dog poo.

Oh, and the video camera is being fixed, so hopefully we'll be building a whole new library of material to post on youtube.

Love hoag

May 24, 2007 - It's been a while since our last show, due to a cancellation in Salem on Monday. But we finally had one last night in Philly. Let's hold off on that for a minute though and talk about the intangibles, the potpourri of Toursaw VI.

In the backyard-frisbee-golf department, we have some big news. Smell has been inducted as an official member thanks to his victory over Hoag last week. The rules state that you are only a guest-player until you beat one of the founding members, and Smell did just that. Congratulations to the Young Buck.

Motivated by his loss, Hoag has been on a tear lately, beating Smell and Bonesaw in 3 of the last 4 games. Over the last few years, Bonesaw has certainly established himself as the best player, winning maybe 85% of the games he plays against Hoag and Smell. However, Hoag hopes that his recent ability to "enter-the-void", to just let the disc throw itself, indicates a shift in the balance of power. But Bonesaw is not to be taken for granted. He will do everything in his power to reestablish his dominance.

In the soccer department, Twinky-P and Bonesaw continue to lose games. Indeed, they haven't won a single game in May, and it might even be possible that they didn't win a game in April. There have been reports of in-fighting on the Tp-B team, with Twink blaming Bonesaw for not being fast enough, and Bonesaw blaming Twink for not being competitive enough. Smell and Hoag, however, continue to communicate effectively on the field, combining for some very, very fancy goals. Off the field is another story…they choose to express themselves via violence and derogatory remarks. Maybe that's the key to a healthy relationship, who knows?

And finally, the music department, and last night's acoustic show at the legendary World Café in center city, Philadelphia. Aside from some sound-issues (neither Bonesaw's nor Smell's acoustic guitars have pickups for a direct plug-in, so the sound-guy had to put a mic on them, which caused some occasional, gnarly feedback squeak), the show was of the highest caliber. Some highlights included "You'll Pay", a new song about protecting a Princess from the dangerous forces outside her castle (at whatever the cost), a cover of "Stand By Me", an extremely laid-back version of "Black is Back", and as always, the swashbuckling "Hi-Ho".

Many thanks to all the people who came out, some quite unexpectedly. Like Keri Daubler, Mike Yetter, Boogie's parents. And Jane Bernstein from Hoag's days at The Dive. That was out of nowhere.

Tonight it's off to New York City for the last show of the tour. It should be a pretty big one, and Twinky-P is more excited than he's ever been in his life, which in itself guarantees that it will be a great time.

After that, it's back home for Hoag's reunion with Nessie, the most beautiful dog in the history of dogkind.

May 20, 2007 - On Wednesday we drove up through the perfect storm (or as the locals call it, “da pehfik stawm”) to Boston for a show with New England jambanders Lucy Vincent. It was a bumping night, but the greedy little club somehow ended up paying none of the bands any money. The Club starts paying bands only after the club itself takes $400 from the ticket sales at the door. This is the money that your fans spent to see you. The bar is already making $2,000+ from bar sales. That ain’t right. Paradise Lounge gets the gas-face. But Boston does not. The people were great. Major thanks to Rob , who took many trains to come hang with us. And who snores like a sousaphone. And even bigger thanks to our old friend Jordan in Lucy Vincent for inviting us to do the show.

Thursday in Providence was kinda tough. Smell and I and Young Whit lost a sudden death overtime soccer match to Bonesaw, Twink and Whit the Elder. Player of the game went to Twiny-P, for fighting through a direct kick to the stones to help his team seal the victory.

The show later that night at the Penalty Box was not the best show. But that’s ok.

The show in Fitchburg with Ill-Conceived was loud and awesome. Unfortunately we have no video of it. Speaking of which, I realize there have not been a lot of videos lately, and that is because the video camera hasn’t been feeling well. He’s constipated. He can’t eject the tape, if you will. But I’ve got a plan. Don’t worry Brian.

Anyway, below is a list of things that happened in the van today, on our way back to Philly:

-Sang “On the Wings of Love”, that song you hear a lot in the dentist’s office, 234 times.

-I paid my outstanding debt to Smell ($10). When he took the bill from me, Smell actually held it up to the light to check it for being counterfeit. Jerk.

-Twink said he doesn’t like the way people wear those blue tooth things in their ears, like a permanent head-set. Hoag agreed. Smell said “I think it’s really slick.”

-“Drill Hole”, the small drill-hole in the roof of the whale/womanizing, alcoholic, lounge-singing legend, gave a performance at 9pm. As usual, he wowed the audience with every flip of the collar, every wink of the eye, and every naughty thrust of the hips.

Next up, an acoustic show at Philadelphia’s “World Café”. This Wednesday at 6:45pm.

May 13, 2007: I’d like to discuss 5 things in this update; what it’s like staying at momsaw and dadsaw’s house here in philly, the show at grape street pub in philly, the show at the saint in new jersey, basketball, and bonesaw’s pronunciation of “suge knight”, the def jam mogul/convicted criminal.

Momsaw and Dadsaw’s house = unlimited cheerios and milk, fresh linens and towels, and (exciting only to smell and twink) a basement--because there are no basements in texas due to rocky soil. happy mother’s day, momsaw!

The show at grape street in philly = the most efficient soundcheck we’ve ever experienced. I barely got through the first three words of “Save The Last Dance” by the Drifters before the soundlady said “Ok! Front vocal??”.

Also, major, major propers to my mom’s friend Gail Simmonds, who had a choice to make: go to bed after a long, long day of work, or come get served. she chose the latter, and she has our unending respect.

The show at the saint in New Jersey = smell locking the keys in the car two minutes before we took the stage. after the second song, bonesaw offered a monitary reward to any audience member who could find a coat hanger and break into our car. then twinky-p reminded him that we were in the hood and that “somebody’s probably breaking into the car right NOW.”

speaking of the hood, here is David Sha’s monologue on how you know you’re in the hood. (He flew up from Houston for the weekend to hang and perform with us).

“big-booty chicks with sweets in they mouth? you in the hood. fried-fish store on the corner? you in the hood. pit-bull on a spike-collar leash? you in the hood. guy probably don’t know shit about dogs and he got a pit bull. little kid runnin, can’t hold up his pants? you in the hood.”

And while we’re inside Sha’s head, why not relate this little nugget of wisdom: (after five minutes of absolute silence on our way up to the club in jersey, he takes off his ipod, taps me on the shoulder, and says, “say hoag…let me ask you something…” Here I think he’s gonna talk about a track he’s listening to, or ask me something about the show that night, but what comes is…)

“Why in the hell…was that dude on the rhythm guitar last night wearing a sweater-vest? That’s got to be the corniest shit I’ve ever seen. Who in the hell wear's a sweater-vest?”

Sha hates sweater-vests.

Basketball = Smell and Hoag are on a 16-0 tear. You can’t stop well-timed cuts, crashed boards, and unlimited reservoirs of intensity. And now Twinky-P’s on the D.L. with a shoulder injury. nothing but bad news for the red team.

Bonesaw’s pronunciation of “Suge Knight” = "soooj knight." c’mon man. you know better than that. he’s hung people out of balcony windows for worse.

- Hoag

May 8, 2007: In the Whale. 5pm first day of Toursaw VI. It’s been sunny the whole day. Twinky-P is in the driver’s seat, listening to Michael Jackson on the iPod that Big Worm stole for him. Smell is in the passenger’s seat, reading a Stephen King book from the early 70’s (his cocaine period) called “The Gunslinger”. It is little more than softcore pornography. Bonesaw is sitting on the first bench writing his 90th email on the computer. Hoag lays splayed out on the back bench twisting a paperclip into various shapes, thinking about Nessie.

Suddenly, the sun slides behind some dark clouds, and the sky starts to tinkle.

Bonesaw: “Looks like you’re gonna be driving in the rain like old times, Sir Twink”
Twink: (head nodding to the beat) “Yup, big surprise”.

5 minutes later

Twink: “Damn ya’ll it’s lookin nasty up ahead.”
Bonesaw: (Never taking eyes off the computer screen) “Yeah it’s getting darker huh?”

2 minutes later

Smell: “Jesus Christ!!”
Twink: (hunkering up on the wheel, laughing nervously) “Yeah dude…”
Bonesaw: (setting computer aside) “Damn…should we pull over?”

Rain comes down harder.

Twink: “Should I pull over? I can’t see shit ya’ll”
Smell: “Jesus!!”

Hoag sticks the paper clip in the ceiling and sits up in his seat.

Hoag: “Oh my God…”
Twink: “What should I do, should I pull over? I’m starting to panic”
Bonesaw: “Back off this car ahead of us a little bit, man”
Hoag: “How can you see?? Pull over!”
Bonesaw: “Slow down!”

An 18 wheeler comes barreling past us to our left.

Smell: (incredulous) “That guy doesn’t give a fuck!”
Twinky: “Yeah dude, they’re professional drivers.”
Bonesaw: “Hold on, Twink! Back off that car.”
Smell: “I think we should drive faster, maybe that trucker knows something we don’t”
Hoag: “That trucker’s trying to die”

It is now dark as night, zero visibility on all sides.
Twink: “I’m goin’ for it” (picks up speed)
Hoag, Smell, Bonesaw: (loud yells)

Up ahead, Smell sees a funnel cloud forming

Smell: “Check out that funnel cloud!”

Sounds of panic fill the van. Bonesaw picks up his phone to say goodbye to his loved ones back home. Hoag picks up his phone to take pictures. Smell can’t find his phone but instructs Hoag to get some good shots. Twink hoists himself further up on the wheel. Lightning cracks, thunder rumbles, and the wind cries Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Hoag: “We’re dead”

Smell: “Keep driving!”
Bone: (Into his phone) “Dad! It’s Tim, I think a tornado’s about to touch…yeah….Arkansas….I don’t know….no”

Funnel cloud gets larger.

Smell: “DRIVE!”

Funnel cloud gets larger.

Hoag: “Bonesaw! One time in 7th grade I read your diary and stole $10 from your drawer to go to the movies!”

Another 18 wheeler rumbles past.

Twink: (puts more weight on the gas pedal) “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit”

The funnel cloud is now behind the Whale, appearing to get even larger. Eventually it disappears from view thanks to a thickening of dark gray clouds in our wake. Suddenly the clouds ahead dissolve and the sun breaks out again. Things get quieter. Everybody takes a deep breath, and pretends that they were never really that scared. But the Whale knows the truth. The Whale heard the “Hail Mary’s”, the confessions, and the oaths of despair and fear.

APRIL 4, 2007 -(editors note: Nessie is Hoagman's doggie)

Dear Nessie,

The tour so far has been really fun. We drove like 12 hours on Wednesday, all the way to mobile, where we stayed at a Red Roof Inn and ate at Golden Corral. Man, finding that Golden Corral was a real blessing. We were practically weeping at the sight of it’s breathtaking Red and Gold signage.

We woke up on Thursday and went to the University of South Alabama to do an acoustic takeover and promote the show in Mobile that night at Fabacher’s. While there, we saw a big white sheet tied to some trees that said: “Heaven Only Knows! All White Party, tonight at 10pm. Alpha Kappa Alpha!” We thought at first--like you probably would have, even though you’re a dog—that this was incredibly wrong and racist. We later found out it was harmless, and that everyone was supposed to wear white to the party, and that Alpha Kappa Alpha is actually a black fraternity, so….

Anyway, the campus was kinda dead, so we decided to go to the beach at Dauphin Island. But we had already wasted time at this ill-fated takeover. And Dauphin Island was like 35 minutes away. And we were supposed to meet with a newspaper reporter and a tv crew at 4pm. It was 2pm. We contemplated calling the reporters to see if we could push the meeting back to 500, when lo and behold, they called us first and proposed the same thing. So we went to the beach with lots of time to breath in the salty air, which—I don’t know if you knew, ‘cause I’ve never taken you there—is the best kind of air in the world.

At 5 we met up with the reporters and gave them the low-down on our situation. Gave ‘em a little tour of the white whale, too. After the interview we went to Winn-Dixie (Alabama’s H.E.B.) to pick up some ingredients for dinner: Tortillas, mozzarella cheese, onions, tomatoes, and salsa. Bonesaw cooked up a ton of quesadillas on the skillet when we got back to the Red Roof Inn.

After that, we played the show, the first in a line of three nights in a row that we would play for 3 hours. It had been a few days since we last jammed, so each of us was a little rusty. Mostly Twink. No offense to our Colombian friend, right girl? We both know that Uncle P is totally awesome. digidigidigidigidigidigidi!!!!!

On Friday I woke up with a cold, and didn’t have much of a voice. We went to the beach again to inhale that salty air. It helped a little bit, but my voice was definitely acting funky.

After eating this righteous pizza place next to the club (same place we ate last time. Only, Beaux was with us then. I miss Beaux. We all do), we went and jammed for 3 hours. The voice concerns proved to be unnecessary. It wasn’t that bad.

The next night was a lot more difficult. For all of us. But playing 3-hour sets is fun. 11-12, 12:30-1:30, and 2-3am. It’s interesting to see what happens in the 3rd hour, from 2-3am. We’re all completely drained, just letting it rip, taking more chances and changing things up.

Anyway, Bobby hooks up the most killer sound at that place. He’s sending us a recording of the second night’s 2-3am hour, so remind me to put that up on the website, ok?

It was great to see Smell’s uncle Tim’s family again. We stayed with the Taylors last time, too. There’s Uncle Tim, the dad. Aunt Lori, the mom. Landon, the boy (7), and Regan, the girl (5). On Saturday, we went to Regan and Landon’s t-ball games. At her game, Regan hit a ball into the infield. Everyone started to cheer. Then everyone realized that she was running out onto the infield to grab the ball. And wait! She’s running with it to first base! The umpire looks perplexed. Eventually she is called “out”. Which makes sense.

Later in the game, while she was playing defense, she ran off the field in the middle of a play to sit with her brother and try some of his sno-cone. It was awesome. Heck, you’d probably do the same thing, wouldn’t ya ness?

Aunt Lori cooked us a scrumptious dinner on Saturday night, then it was off to Ft. Walton on Sunday.

We didn’t have to play again until Tuesday, so we snuck in to a double feature. Actually we didn’t really “sneak in”. But we kind of did. We all gave Smell some money to buy one ticket, then he let us in the back doors. We like to say we gave ourselves a big discount. That’s not really stealing. Anyway, we saw TMNT and Blades of Glory, both of which were highly entertaining.

That night we ate Subway. Almost always a bad choice in my opinion. And the dude working there was a doofus.

On Monday we went to the beach with our friend Justin, our friend from high school who’s band we were playing with on Tuesday. Monday night Justin took us to Vinnnie’s Italian Restaurant, where the waiter—Larry—kept trying to upsell us into freaking oblivion. He asked us if we wanted desert 8 times. 8 times, ness.

And last night we played the show with Justin (who is ridiculously nasty at guitar) and his band, The Dog Spankin Monkeys, who have a really cool, soulful style. Justin was actually on stage for our whole set, too. We stretched out a lot of our tunes so he could shred ‘em to death and bring ‘em back to life again. He recorded the set, so remind me again to put up Bobby’s recording, and also this one.

Now we’re in Gainsville. It’s Wednesday. While we were in Ft. Walton, Smell was able to recover the Birkenstock’s he left at Justin’s back in January during Toursaw IV, so he rides into Gainesville a new man. Or rather the man he used to be and has now become again. Twinky-P is feeling good, Bonesaw’s got a killer tan, and aside from missing you, I’m in a pretty radical frame of mind, too.

That’s all for now, I’ll let you know about things as they happen! Can’t wait to see you again. Don’t piss on the carpet.

Love,

Hoag

Week of South By Southwest Music Festival (3/14-3/18)

Normally playing 5 shows in 5 days is not that big of a deal for us. During “Toursaw II: Go West My Young Saws”, we played 13 shows in 12 days. That was kind of a big deal. But 5 shows in 5 days in our home town should have been a piece of cake, a walk in the park (or as a confused Dikembe Mutombo once opined in reference to the Sixers’ chances in the 2001 NBA playoffs: “A walk in the cake”).

But combine the following elements, and you are left with one tired band of buccaneers:

1) No parking. Anywhere. At all. Which leads to problem two…

2) Having to haul your loot athwart the endless sea of downtown pavement…

3) Forgetting some piece of equipment you left in the Whale, thus requiring a 15 minute walk to that parking spot you found near Round Rock.

SXSW is a 9 trillion-headed monster. There’s so much music going on, it almost turns your ears off. It’s like when Nessie barks so much that it actually starts to sound like she’s not barking at all. So much noise becomes so much silence.

In addition, your ears become incapable of distinguishing the good from the bad. “Do I like this? Is this good? Do I like that? Is that good?”

I’m not saying I don’t like SXSW, I’m just saying…it’s like asking for a glass of water and being given the South Pacific. “What the hell do I do with this?”

Anyway, our big show was at the Dizzy Rooster on Friday the 16th. Our boy David Sha got the crowd freakishly hyped. (Let the video speak for itself)

We also did a bunch of acoustic takeovers around town, just to keep things Austin, ya dig? (Video coming soon)

The show that our publicist Becca with Bayou Logic Promotions put together was pretty fresh as well. This was a family affair, so we left the profanities at home and brought out all the mellow marshmallows. Sha was on stage with us the whole time, providing some extreeeeeemely flavorful, soulful, R&B-style backups. So full of sabor, in fact, that I started listening to him a little too much and forgetting my own vocal parts. Anyway, speaking of Sha, I’d like to announce a new pronunciation of the word “guitar”, which all members of Full Service and its crew shall use henceforth. No longer is it pronounced gih-TAHR. It is hereby pronounced “GOOD-tahr”. Thanks Sha.

On Sunday we wrapped things up with an hour set at the Rockin Tomato. For some reason, despite Friday’s show at the Rooster having the larger crowd, I had the most fun at this show. I’m not sure why. But that’s the case. Many thanks to D for hopping up on the mic. And Iz, I’m glad you could make it out to one of our rare all-ages shows.

MARCH 5, 2007 - Hoagman apologizes for his long layoff from text updates. He's been a big video mad (as you can see no our videos page). But he's back with what i hope will be an every sunday update. so check back and here's his latest:

played at a very electric flamingo cantina a couple weeks ago. you may have seen some of the videos (more will be coming). these videos, ladies and gentlemen, were shot by Lauren. It's fun to watch videos she shoots because she says things like "bounce, baby! bouuuunce" during Bo-Ding, and "never!" when bonesaw suggests to the audience that our Mastodon cover ("The Wolf is Loose").might be a little "too heavy" for them.

anyway, great show over there at the flamingo as always. the place always comes alive, and we're convinced it has something to do with the actual brick of the building, the smell of the wood, the fish on the wall.

hope some of ya'll got to see the three other bands. facing fiasco, spin alley, and muchos backflips. facing fiasco was rock solid, spin alley brought a casserole of punk, funk, metal, and perhaps most awesome of all, hip-hop. and of course this crazy band muchos backflips was bananas! very strange.

The cancer benefit we did the other day was a huge success. Some of our friends put together a big all-day event to raise money for a friend's recovery. The total donation count was something like $1,500. We played from 4:30 until just about sundown. Playing instruments outside during this time of day, this time of year, in this city, is a very rewarding and calming experience.

anyway, congratulations to those girls for making the party such a big success. Aleah, Emily, Amber, Lana, and Kerry. add a saw to all they names!

THIS JUST IN...

This Wednesday, we will be posting a newly recorded song onto our myspace page. this is what is known in the biz as a little "sneak peak", know what i'm sayin? because the real thing's not coming out for another few weeks after that. And even then, we're only releasing 60 copies for sale with a jewel case and an actual CD. The cover is a copy of a really excellent painting done by local artist Becky Bennet, whose work blows us away. we'll see for yourself, because she's on the front cover, the back cover, and on the actual CD. after those 60 copies are sold, the only way you'll be able to get the songs is off of iTunes. this is not to make it hard for you to get the songs, although as i'm writing this i'm thinking to myself "damn we made it hard for them to get these tunes". but really, we just can't afford to bust out thousands of copies of CDs. AND, who's really buying CD's anymore anway? revolution is spelled i-P-o-d, baby.

what else?

--Bonesaw recently had surgery to remove a hernia he got from all the sawing he's been doing lately (running marathons, moving mountains, etc). It's weird because for a few days after the surgery, he really couldn't give much to the jams. his core was wasted. at the cancer benefit he just couldn't do the "HERE WE GO AGAIN" from "Black is Back". And man....that really dropped a hole through the song. Poor guy. he's getting better though.

--Twink has gone to yoga twice in the last week. we think that's noteworthy for some reason, don't you? what a renaissance man!

--Smell is getting dangersouly close to going barefoot no matter the temperture or conditions outside. We know sometimes it's silly, and he's taking unnecessary risks, but at the same time, we really want to see him succeed in this venture. go smell.

--I, hoag, have recently become obssessed with the song "Across the Universe" by the Beatles. I don't know if this is common knowledge and i'm being way obvious, but to me it sounds like the song is about the first few minutes of death ("although i don't suppose they have "minutes" in death, do they?) when your brain or consciousness is not really sure what is it. dead or alive?

anyway, everyone should reply to this email with the song that they are currently in love with.

--hoag

JANUARY 15, 2007 -So since Hoagman has become video-CRAZY, it’s fallen on me to carry the torch for the written word. We actually fought about it. It went like this:

(deleted: hoagman read what I wrote and accused me of being a ‘revisionist historian’ and made me delete my version of the event, leading to another argument that just occurred. So I’ll just say that I’m writing this update and hoagman is doing the videos. And I’m not allowed to ‘use too many exclamation points. . . this dude loves exclamation points’ (turns to Smell).

ANYWAY!

(exclamation point)

We’re driving back from Hattiesburg, MS on our off day here. We drove 2 hours there to do some promotion for our show next week. The plan was to do some takeovers on the Univ of Southern Mississippi campus and try to find somewhere we could play this evening. Course, as soon as we pull into the town it starts to rain. Damn! So we tried unsuccessfully to get (what turned out to be an upscale) restaurant to have us play in the entry way before heading to the Mall. Takeover the mall… why not? First we found the one lonely security guard who was all the way on the opposite end of the mall. We also found a cool atrium that would be PERFECT for an acoustic takeover, so we followed the mall cop until he had done his swing of the atrium area. Enter Twink and Smell with the acoustic guitar and percussion and Beaux with the demos and stickers. BAM! 20 minute concert. Total success. Lots of new fans. Emboldened by this success, we decided to go for broke and hit up the food court. Certain shut-down. But again, what do we have to lose? Everyone was eating, and there was an elevated middle section. Camera rolling, we rushed the ‘stage,’ cleared the tables and launched into “Hi Ho.” The place went silent and everyone was jamming, that is until three security guards bum rushed us with the quickness. As they are running our way smell leans over to me and says “keep going Bonesaw, keep going!” that’s my man! they quickly shut us down, but as hoagman raised his hands in triumph, one dude in army fatigues started clapping, in two seconds the whole place was cheering us as they ushered us out of the mall. Takeover baby!

And that is how we make something outta nothing on TourSaw IV.

Otherwise, let me just say that Mobile, AL is AWESOME. Mostly because of our man Bacon at Grand Central who is literally the second coolest bar owner ever (Wes at Uncle Flirty’s is tough to beat). Then there was Bobby layin down KILLER sound and good vibes. And of course, Kathy and the Ugli Stick for hooking up the show. We’ll be coming to Mobile often now… too bad the Eagles lost that night.

SPORTS UPDATE:

As Smell said on Sunday – ‘two games of football on the beach in two days in the middle of January? Tour f’n RULES!’ so yes, we’ve been stopping anywhere we can to play some ball. The first game was after 8 hours of driving when we spontaneously pulled off in Biloxi, MS and found a still-ravaged-from-Katrina beach. PERFECT sand, not so perfect performance by me and Twinky-P. Our FS #5 member this tour Beaux flashed some moves that were ‘kinda tricky’ and Hoagman (steady QB with an ankle injury) was on point. 3-2 in favor of Smell and Beaux. Game 2 was a marathon of a game to 7 in the deep sand. Basically, I just wore out Beaux (who almost lost his lunch) and Twink and I executed about 10 perfect screen plays and one hook and lateral to take the win 7-6. Tie-breaker coming soon. . .

This van ride is too long. We’re all hungry and getting cranky. Oh dear. . .

-Bonesaw

JANUARY 7, 2007 -On the way home from San Antonio the other night, we started talking about whether it would be possible to put wings on the Whale so it could fly. Not like an airplane, more like some type of floating, Mario-Brothers-esque motion. Would it be possible to realize this vision within, say, a lifetime? We decided that with enough money, brainpower, and dedication, we could do it in one lifetime (defined as ~80 years).

Later the conversation turned towards the afterlife, with Twink positing that nothing happens when you die. There is nothing. Not even nothing. More than nothing. (Or is it less than nothing?). Smell and Hoag didn’t agree, and theorized that the physical matter of our “bodies” goes back into the earth (i.e., we are bio-degradable), and that the metaphysical properties of our “souls” disperses into the universe. “Where in the universe?” asked Twink. Hoag and Smell replied that it spreads out and joins the “unseen essence”.

After that we did impressions of Louis Armstrong. To really get a good Louis Armstrong impression going, you need to reach down into your throat, which can bring you dangerously close to a gag reflex and a dry heave. It’s best to avoid impersonations of Louis Armstrong.

We got home at 2am and (surprise) ate a bunch of cereal.

The show at Ruta Maya in San Antonio was great. It felt like we were playing in someone’s huge living room. People sitting down, drinking coffee or wine, working on laptops. We scaled it down volume-wise a little bit to match the vibe.

Euphoria was there with us, and they did us the honor of covering “Oh Kill Me”. Switched it up to a slow dub feel in the beginning, then their guitar player, Austin, ripped a note-for-note replica of Bonesaw’s solo.

NEWSFLASHES:

1) We leave for a tour of the gulf coast this Friday, January 12th. Check out all the dates on our website or myspace page. ‘Twill be a blitzkrieg of shows. We’re all pretty pysched, because going on tours has so far been the coolest thing we’ve all ever done. Anyway, we’ll keep you posted via video and text updates.

2) Cribs, Episode II has been posted on our myspace page and on youtube. So why are you still reading this??

3) Seriously, go check out the Cribs episode. OK fine here it is:

Episode II, part I


Episode II, part II

--Hoag

DECEMBER 5, 2006 -It's been a good few weeks for Full Service. Smell and Hoag had a nice little impromptu jam

:

We played an excellent show at the Ramp Ranch in Liberty Hill for the Bonafide Skateboards skate-demo:

Then the next night we went to Houston for the T-Money Festival. Ghosts of the living put on a hell of a show (see our youtube page), and we met this dude "Sha" who's interested in some type of collaboration. Check him out on our top 8. Here are some clips from the houston show.

and our favorite:

Twink and Bonesaw played an incredible game of one-on-one soccer, which we happen to have a video of:

In the meantime, we're working on some new jams. some are sort of heavy, like this one:

...and others are softer. maybe we'll get some video of those later. We have an early show this Thursday at Tambaleo on 5th and Lamar. It's the "Cocktail Rhetoric" talk-show that was postponed a few weeks ago. We're the musical guests, and we'll be playing kinda like this:

Anyway, it's ALL AGES, and it's free. Starts at 7:30, so we'll see you there. unless you're wearing camouflage.

November 13, 2006 -The following Full Service update is dedicated to Mr. Timothy Gray, without whose inspiration, this update--or any future update--may never have been written.

Did everyone see the new videos? I lost many hours of my life editing those little bastards, so i expect you all to waste minutes of your lives watching them.

My top 5 favorite new FS videos:

5) Bonesaw's Battleship solo

4) Twink Slamming hard in his "Red Team" Halloween costume

3) Acoustic version of the never before heard "Imaginary Girl" (FS in formal-wear)

2) Halloween shopping

1) Interview with the Smellman

We've been laying low on the shows for a while. It's because my cousin gave me a beat-making program for the computer, and I refuse to leave the house. Download it by clicking here.

I'm kidding. It's because Twink fell in love. Or because Smell is on a 14 day bender. Or because bonesaw is in the midst of a 453 mile run and won't be back for a while.

In any case, we have a few big ones coming up. And if they aren't big ones at fancy clubs, they're interesting ones at weird places. Below is a chart of upcoming shows with descriptions of why that show will be either big or interesting.

Thursday 11/16 (7pm) @ Tambaleo near 5th and Lamar:

INTERESTING, because we are the musical guest for a live talk-show called "Cocktail Rhetoric". We'll be playing acoustic, featuring the hoagmonster on brushes and a snare drum, bonesaw playing an antique Yamaha, twink playing bass sitting down with his legs crossed, and smell at the helm of a very tasteful cowbell/tambourine combo. The show is free, and the talking is random and participatory.

Friday 11/17 (6pm) @ Ramp Ranch in Liberty Hill (directions HERE):

INTERESTING, because we are the musical guests for a skate demo put on by Texas' own Bonafide Skateboard Co. Bonafide is touring Texas now, and we're joining up with them at the Ranch. $3 and you're in...gnarly tricks and tasty licks. And there's a rumor that Twink will be attempting a reverse gator clutch with a tailspin over five barrells of angry flames. Possibility of death on this one, people.

Saturday 11/18 (10pm) @ Acadia in Houston:

BIG, because Houston always comes out to get served, and because Acadia has a big soundsystem and stage and lights rig, and because we're playing with many big Houston bands.

INTERESTING, because it's a fundraiser for the newly emancipated Tony Local, who has serious legal fees to pay off.

Friday 12/1 (10pm) @ Flamingo Cantina in Austin:

BIG, because of stage/lights/soundsystem combo, and because you all will be assaulted with various, manipulative advertising strategies that we hope will guarantee your attendence.

INTERESTING, because Smell will be playing the "wahka-wahka's" on guitar, Hoag will be performing hands free for 5 minutes, and because the show will feature a break-dancing interlude by the Break-Ninjas, a troupe based in Austin.

While we haven't been playing those big club shows, we've been playing pizza-places, parks, colleges, parties (see Halloween videos), weddings (see most recent acoustic videos), and we've been recording a 3-song demo featuring a re-tooled version of "Late January" (with former John Mayer keyboardist Kevin Lovejoy on the organ), and two new ones, "Imaginary Girl" and "Hi-Ho". We will release this precious gems as a downloadable EP entitled "3-Headed Love Monster".

I'll leave you with this question: Is there a better song in the world than A-Ha's "Take On Me"? (send replies to hoag@fullservicemusic.com).

October 12, 2006 - What have we been up to, you might ask? I mean, obviously not playing shows (although we have a ton coming up, as you can see on the Local page). But what we've really been doing is trying to assemble our 'team.' Why do we need a team when we really are a team already (who want's to play fours in baseketball? anyone? anyone?)? well we need a manager / label / lawyer / and booking agent to take us all the way to the top. So we're working on that. But how? we'll, sometimes it's just writing emails on an off chance that the right people will pay attention. Like this fine email from Hoagman to a potential booking agent.

Rachel: We the people of Austin's Full Service humbly request your brief attention.

We've played the big venues and festivals here in town. Stubb's, Flamingo Cantina, Antone's, Austin Reggae Festival, Pecan St. Festival. We've recorded 4 albums in 2 years (most recently with Stuart Sullivan of "Meat Puppets" and "Sublime" fame).

We've had plenty of media coverage at home and abroad. (see resume)

We've had 200 people come out to each of our last 3 shows in town. Our grassroots ethos has garnered us a dedicated and expanding fan base. Sometimes we let the fans get too close. Just this afternoon we recieved an envelope from "your favorite fan" with a baggy inside. It appears to contain some type of hair. But I digress.

For two years we've booked our own shows. We've also booked three of our own tours: Two of the east coast, and one of the west coast.

But if you've ever been in a band, you are intimately familiar with this fact:

Booking sucks. It sucks more than flat tires and indigestion. We fully understand however, that before the Snapple people could get their tasty little beverages into 7 elevens, they had to set up a bunch of freakin lemonade stands.

The four of us--Hoag, Bonesaw, Smell, and Twink--have recently come to the conclusion that we've set up our freakin' lemonade stands, and we're ready for some help.

Are you down?

Our goal is this. We want to join a nice long tour supporting another band. I'm sure other bands want to do the same, but have they toured by themselves first? Three times? Can they set up their gear in 3 minutes and 19 seconds? Would they spend the afternoon before a show walking around Chicago, handing out demos and flyers, hitting up people on the myspace? Or would they sit around and then show up to the club complaining about the sparse crowd? And last but certainly not least...do they get pubic hair sent to them in the mail?

Our suitcases are packed, we just need a schedule.

Take a look at the attached Resume and think about it over a cup of your favorite tea. Or lemonade.

--Hoag, Bonesaw, Smell, and Twink

That's why ya gotta love the Hoagman.

Plenty of other things in the mix too, of course, but for now, rest assured that we're banging out new tunes every day and planning some SERIOUS shows for the fansaws out there soon, so stay in touch. . .

-BONESAW