Full Service Music

Here is where you'll find all the wacky tales from the road and learn of all the inner workings of the four Full Service dudes. Usually written by Hoag the Warrior Poet, you might just learn more than you wanted to, but here at FS, nothing is too embarrassing, too graphic, or too stupid to post. So grab some green tea, put on your favorite FS CD, and read on. . .

FULL SERVICE UPDATES

February 1, 2012

Before we get into a more detailed diary entry, let’s begin by addressing some of the things in this video that might need explanation. The live shots by Barry Dolton need no explanation. He’s just a kick-ass photographer who always takes kick-ass photographs. (Thanks Barry). Regarding the shots of Twink on stage, we’ll save that for later, but the short story is that he came on stage for a song in Houston and stomped the stage into utter oblivion. You will also see a video of me holding a baby. I did not have a baby. This is Twink’s baby, Gavin. He’s the sweetest little fella. Very small. There’s a pic of Twink with a blue hood on, and this is actually gavin’s hoodie. Funny how a baby hoodie is only a hood on an adult.

Other things that need explaining:

Sean and Smell dancing around an empty ballroom after a show amidst myriad debris. They are excited to be “groundsquirelling” for loot that may have been left behind by concert-goers. It’s a favorite past-time of ours.
A bunch of us sitting around with a pile of money on the floor rolling dice. We were playing a game called “Left-Right-Center”. Smell won once and Sean won once, and—at Bonesaw’s behest, and with all of us in agreement—their proceeds were put towards the following morning’s breakfast. Ie, we are communist.
Smell holding his hand over a candle. It was a fake flame. He was practicing his acting chops. A fine job he did, no?
Multiple shots of what appears to be a pipe but which in fact is an incense holder given to us by Fansaw “Sasa” from Houston. Take a close look, it’s beautiful. Thanks Sasa.
Me trying to wrap a large plastic trash bag around my head. I was about to take a shower at the House of Blues in Dallas and didn’t want to get my hair wet. Hence, impromptu shower cap. (Didn’t work).
A little blue monster puppet freaking out in the whale. Long story. He looks scary but he’s actually friendly. He’ll protect you.

Ok, so let’s get down to the rest of the diary entry here.

What’s your personal record for consecutive days stopping at a Walmart? I hope it’s lower than ours. I hope to God it’s lower than ours. Although!...Sometimes exciting things happen. Like today, when Sean and I were walking through the parking lot back to the whale and we saw a huge sailor-looking dude with a big green parrot on his shoulder. We asked if the parrot could talk and the guy said (thick southern drawl) “awww shurrr, but raht nayuh he’s whistlin’ at the gurrrls that walk bahh.”

But on the whole the Walmart stops are kind of brutal. Maybe it’s not even the Walmart aspect of it, maybe it’s the groundhog day-ness of it all. Wake up, drive, stop at Walmart to buy groceries or scotch tape or a big case of waters. Actually the other day I couldn’t WAIT to get there because I really needed one of those huge heat patches your tape on your body to ease muscle pain. (I got rocked the day earlier with a big shoulder/back spasm. The patch thing helped, as did the 600 mg of Ibuprofen, but it’s still pretty painful. I dropped a stick twice at last night’s show in Tulsa because of it I think. I never drop sticks. Forget lyrics but never drop sticks.)

Anyway, let’s stop talking about Walmart.

The Tour has been great so far. People are coming out. Buying shirts. Wearing headbands. Making us intricately designed incense holders. Highlights of the trip have included the inter-band movie and dinner date on our day off between Oklahoma City and Tulsa, the numerous soccer matches with us and Joel, the left-right-center dice games, the Bonesaw-vs-Pat guitar duel, getting locked in the closet by Smell after I tried to scare him (and all he used was a plastic bag), but I think we’d all agree that the unbeatable highlight was when Twinky-P got on stage with us for a song in Houston. He brought his wife Megan and their new baby Gavin to the show, and they watched the whole set from side stage. When Bonesaw asked him to come onstage for old-time’s sake, Sir Twinky-P rushed out and immediately said to us, “We’re playing ‘Have You Been Listening?’”, then Sean graciously handed over the bass, and we got down to business on one of our heaviest, fastest songs in the catalog. It was truly moving to be shredding again with Twink, and to finally meet his little baby (who’s backstage pass covered his entire right pant leg). Here’s a video that Fansaw Rebekah Ayers shot of “Have You Been Listening?”

Columbia, Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago left to go. Talk to y’all soon!

~hoag

January 20, 2012

For the past two weeks I’ve listened to “I Hear a Symphony” by the Supremes 3 times a day. Once in the morning and twice at night (back-to-back).

I’ve been in love a few times, mostly with women, but also with songs. Not like “oh, I love that song”, but long-lasting, tumultuous affairs where every time I listen I’m completely washed over and rocked. For a while it was “In the Morning” by Nina Simone, then it was “Time to Get Alone” by the Beach Boys, then “Estranged” by Guns n Roses.

Anyway, now I’m on the Supremes’ song. The other night, when nobody at FSHQ was home, I danced around the living room singing along, and as the song ended I spun around to find our cat Jack sitting eye-level on the counter. It looked like he was concerned for me. I told him to loosen up.

My favorite part of the song is 2:00-2:13. When she sings these lines she is so dialed in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard a more expressive vocal performance than those 13 seconds. Her eyes are open, but she’s not seeing the wall or ceiling or whatever she’s looking at, she’s seeing something else entirely, something that’s not really there and that only she can see. She’s definitely in a “blossom world”, as they say in “Good Vibrations.” And I love that little arm swing she does right at 2:14-2:15. Check it out HERE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg-ercNIHQA

I’ve been doing nothing but music-related things lately. Rehearsing at the HQ, recording at Ohm, writing in my room, teaching lessons in the jam room, seeing my buddies’ band “Brass Buckle” at Jovitas, and watching that Supremes song on youtube. I feel like maybe I should make room for something else in my life, ya know…in the interest of balance and personal development.

Enter the “Zing” bow and arrow set. Long story short, my cousin Donna is a toy-tester (that’s a job, really) and she sent a big package of toys to the HQ. Included are two sets of soft bows and arrows by a company from Portland OR called “Zing”. I’ve gotten quite accurate with them, and I feel that it has given me the equilibrium that I need in my life, something non music-related. Although last night I broke a window in our living room. So it’s become somewhat of a hazard as well. Check out one of our great ZingBow sessions

But really, there’s no escaping the fact that it’s music (and soccer in the backyard) every single day of my life. So let me bring y’all up to speed on the goings-on over here on Wilson st.

First of all, Smell is really ramping up his side-project band “Smell and the Senses”. I’m not sure if I’m part of the band, but I did sing back-up on a beautiful track he recorded recently called “The Canopy”. I don’t know what his plans for releasing material are, or when he’s gonna start playing shows in town, but I’ll urge him to keep everyone posted.

Sean is officially moved into the old Whale in the backyard. A bed, neon blue shag carpeting, two shelves, lots of big hippie tapestries, and electricity (drawn through a hole drilled into my room). You really gotta see it to believe it. WATCH THE VIDEO .

The winter tour is coming up soon. We leave early Wednesday morning to get to Baton Rouge. Then I think it’s Houston, Austin, Dallas, and after that we leave Texas for some other states. (All the dates are posted on facebook and the website. I should probably check one of those sites myself). We’ll be doing most (or all?) of the shows with our old pals from Badfish, and it’s been a while since we’ve seen them so I expect much high-fiving and revelry in the coming weeks.

The new album…Here’s the deal on the new album. We write a ton of music, some of it soft, some of it heavy, some of it loud, some of it happy, some of it a little bit sad, etc. And much of the time, songs come in groups according to the creative channel one of us (or all of us) is dialed into. We call these groups of songs “families”. They have similar DNA, if you will. So here’s what we’re going to do. Every couple months we’re going to release a new family of 3 songs. We’ll record maybe 8 families. Each family will only be available digitally, until we put all of them on a hard copy album that will be available at the end of the project. The name of the entire project is “Home Is Where The Yard Is”. So the first family will be called “Home Is Where The Yard Is (Vol. 1)”, then (vol 2), etc. We’ve commissioned friends and fans to draw/paint the album cover (a portrait of our backyard here at FSHQ), and we’ll unveil the chosen design in the coming weeks. “Home (vol 1)” will include the songs “Revisited’, “Apples”, and “Like a Pony”. Revisited is about pulling ropes and the knots just getting tighter, Apples is about a man sitting in his yard watching punk kids cause mischief, and Like a Pony is an homage to my late dog, Nessie. I know you all probably think it’s weird that I still write about Nessie, but I guess I haven’t gotten over it yet.

There will be a video announcing HiWTYi and previewing the first family of songs in the coming weeks, but for now, take a look at some of the studio sessions we’ve been involved in lately at Ohm here in Austin. The songs in this video will be included in Volumes 2 or 3 of HiWTYi. There’s also a priceless clip of Bonesaw bitching me out for being a jerk in the studio.

“You’ve given me a true love, and every day I thank you love…”

~Hoag

October 1 , 2011 - "The Whale Strikes Back!" Tour Update #2

Columbus, OH (Wed, 9/21)
In the early afternoon hours on Wednesday morning, two outside forces invaded Columbus, Ohio. Though perhaps the words “forces” and “invaded” are terms too strong, for in one case I describe a light, indecisive, ‘shall-I-or-shan’t-I?’ rainfall (i.e., a drizzle) and in the other I refer to a somewhat inept, slow-going, ‘is-this-where-we-turn?’ approach of The Whale (i.e., a dodge van). Acknowledging thusly my initial over-hyping of our arrival, I feel I have more aptly set the scene, and can continue this narrative with a more truthful foundation.

So, basically we pulled into a sleepy, dreary college town and set about putting up posters on telephone poles and storefronts. Then we got hungry and made sandwiches back in the Whale.

However, I would be remiss to exclude the following exciting detail of our first few hours in town; the location of our parking spot. It may not seem to be a cause for celebration, but when we saw an empty spot directly in front of the entrance to a gargantuan Barnes and Noble, the four of us—without saying a word to each other—inwardly rejoiced.

Why? I’ll tell you why. Because a Barnes and Noble is not just a bookstore, although it is a bookstore, and this would indeed be one of the reasons we felt lucky, for both Smell and I were in the market for a new novel. BUT…a Barnes and Noble is many other things, all of which I assure you are highly coveted by a touring band.
Barnes and Noble is also….

An enormous bathroom. We don’t need to get into this too far, because I’m sure you all can understand why a band appreciates a nice, spacious, clean bathroom. The advantages of one of these over a gas station bathroom are uncountable. The words cleanliness, privacy, hand-soap, and toilet paper come to mind.
A pretty decent café where one can purchase a hot cup of tea for a nagging cold (albeit for the ungodly price of $3.25).
A wireless internet provider from which one can upload that YouTube video they made for the tour diary.
A collection of wall-outlets (in the café area) where the band can charge their phones after a long drive. (Wilson, if you’re reading, these multi-outlet-facilities help ease the ill-will built up after days of “charger wars”)

So please excuse the nerdy giddiness with which we heralded our Whale real estate on High Street. As you can see, it was certainly warranted.

Anyway, like I said, basically we walked around in the drizzle and put up a bunch of posters around campus. Red Team did it one way and Blue Team did it another. Which do you think is more badass?

How did the show go? We did a little over 100 paid (on a Wednesday!), a lot of Sean’s old friends from Ohio State came out (all very friendly, supportive, fun people), and we met two little dudes (maybe 8 and 10 years old) who rocked out in front of the railing for our whole set with “Event Staff” shirts on. For some reason, though, it took us a few songs to think to ask the obvious question; Who are you guys? Who do you belong to? And wait…with those shirts on it kinda looks like ya’ll are the railing-security for this show. What’s going on here?? Turns out they were the main security guy’s two kids, and—as he told us later—they think we’re the “best band in the world”. (I didn’t have the heart to tell them about the bands “Guns ‘n’ Roses” and “The Beach Boys”).

Pittsburgh, PA (Thurs, 9/22)
Another visit with Brad Walters and Brian Palmer, 311 Cruise alums, for a house party on Brad’s sprawling property near Pittsburgh PA. Brad hosted a 20-Tour back in April, but this time he wanted us to go full electric. He went all out, too, renting a PA and lights. And as always, the accoutrements were outstanding; gluten free cupcakes (made by Celeste); a here-comes-the-fall welcoming display with hay-bales, scarecrows, cornstalks, and the like; Racer-5 IPA and Night-Train Wine (an allusion to the song “Nighttrain” by Bonesaw’s favorite band, Guns ‘n’ Roses); fireworks and bottlerockets that scared me and Smell shitless (too near our path); and a custom-made Full Service fire barrel, for which—during the crafting—Brad took a flying saw-blade to the face. Impossibly, he escaped serious injury.

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES!

Kent, OH (Fri, 9/23)
Hmm….not much to say about this one. We’d never been to Kent before, and not many people came out. BUT…here are some of the positives of the show and the trip:

Esteemed fansaw Bruce Karyla drove 509 miles from Connecticut to catch the show. Bruce is a great guy to be around, the kind of guy we’d love to have with us on a whole tour in fact. Think tattooed fisherman/sailor/pirate, salty, rugged, and possessed of an intelligence they don’t teach in schools.
Big John came to see us! And, the Grabwoski/Smith/Crooks/Malik crew left their campsite at the Nelson Ledges Festival (taking place 35 miles north of Kent) to see us. And thank heavens, because if it weren’t for them, we’d have been playing to the other band, who, by the way, was awesome. (“Elementary Groove Theory”—excellent 8-piece funk).
Two-Hearted Ale. Nothing more to say about that. It’s a delicious beer, and sometimes hard to find. We found it at “101 Bottles of Beer”, the kind of place Bonesaw never likes to take us to because we spend 30 minutes shuffling through the selection, jaws-to-the-floor. I supposed it’s something like taking your dog to the park, but instead of us sniffing every dog-butt we see, we examine every bottle-label we see.

Nelson Ledges, OH (Sat, 9/24)
Ah, Ledges; always an incredible time. If you’ve never heard of Ledges, it’s basically this huge hippie festival where people set up tents and cook food and act weird and dance around with hula-hoops and stuff like that. In other words, it’s the kind of place you might expect us to NOT play stuff like “Tasteless Gravy” and “Multitudes”, but…we did. And nobody really cheered (except for Dave Grabowski, but he’s pretty partial to “Tasteless Gravy”). They cheered for the other stuff though and Bruce compiled some excellent footage (mixed in with some highlights from Kent) in this video:

And here are some pics, and a video of Hoag and Smell jamming with Scotty Don’t on their song “Once Again”: FS and Scotty Don't Video

And finally…my favorite highlight of Ledges; our game of “nukem” (which we renamed “Thunderdome” in reference to the exclamation one must issue whilst delivering a point-winning slam against one’s sorry-ass opponent).

Champaign, IL (Sun, 9/25)
By this time I had come down with a cold, a real humdinger too, and my memories of these next few days are cloudy and fairly hoag-has-a-head-cold-centric, but I do have a few, and I will share them. First, I remember what very well may have been the most agonizing sound-check in recorded FS touring history (no offense to Johnny, the sound guy, and anyway we can’t be sure it was your or anyone’s fault).

Secondly, I remember hanging with Pat, Joel, Scott, Bonesaw, Smell, and Sean in Badfish’s bus watching the Red Sox implode against the Yankees on the YES network. Here’s what it looked like to me:

And finally, I remember how Bonesaw managed to spin a sparse turnout (again, our first time in a town, so actually 30 people is fine, it’s just that the room was so damn huge) into cause for celebration. He told the crowd that it doesn’t matter, we like playing music and presumably they like hearing music, so let’s just all have a good time and not feel awkward. (I’m telling you, the room was pretty big). He compared it to a kid who loves to play baseball. Yeah, it’s awesome to play in a real game with your full team on a nice big field under the lights, but sometimes it’s also fun just to have a catch with your dad in the backyard. And then I told him that this analogy was a home run; a pun of which I am bottomlessly proud.

Sean’s parents’ house: Cleves OH (Mon, 9/26)
Now my cold had really started bearing its teeth, and I have very little recollection of this day’s events. Through the haze of my misery I remember Bonesaw and Sean going for a run after we got to Sean’s parents’ house, and Smell going out back on their beautiful porch to strum the guitar. Me? I retired to the upstairs bedroom to say “fine!” to my symptoms. Cough, sneeze, nose-blow, cough, cough, sneeze, was-that-a-hiccup-in-there?, cough, sneeze, until it was time to head downstairs and play the acoustic set.

I felt so bad being sick in Nancy and Greg’s house, in front of all of their guests, and I felt equally terrible about not being able to deliver a great performance, but thanks to Nancy and Greg for being my parents-in-proxy and keeping me comfortable with hot tea, and to Smell and Bonesaw for picking up the slack for me vocally. And what wonderful guests! I sincerely hope we return someday soon and we can give you our 100%. Oh! And thanks to the guy who gave me his 50-year-old marching drum after the show. I forget your name, but what a cool gift. I’ll be sure to find a cool way to use it.

Disabilities Center: Cleves, OH (Tues, 9/27)
When I woke up the next morning, I actually felt worse, and I knew I would be unable to perform even a few vocal duties for our scheduled performance at the disabilities employment center where Sean’s mom Nancy works. But the show must always go on, so Bonesaw and Smell agreed to handle all of the melodies.

Turns out it was a really special show. The workers all took a 35 minute break and the looks on their faces were of the purest joy. Dancing, clapping, shouting, the whole bit. Again, I hope we can go back someday when I’m able to sing. Thanks so much, Nancy, for thinking to have us come play.

One More Thing....
We took a fun off-day 7-mile hike in the Brown County State Park near Indiannapolis, IN. Here's a funny video highlight...

September 20, 2011 - "The Whale Strikes Back!" Tour Update #1

I am comfortable in this arm-chair. The honey-mustard upholstery is well-textured, and the chair has one of those footrests that sits in front of it (are those called ottomans?) It’s one of those nice, cushiony chairs with sleeve-covers on the arms (why the sleeves, anyway? They seem so outmoded, like a cummerbund on a tuxedo), and as I sit here in room 123 of the Indianapolis La Quinta Inn, I survey the scene before me.

There are 12 home-made Full Service shirts drying on one of the beds, and Smell sits cross-legged on the floor below them, eating his tuna fish sandwich as he listens to Mike Tirico and John Gruden talk about how much the Rams are blowing this game. Our duffel bags have long ago-exploded (they always seem to explode as we enter the room, like their contents just can’t wait to be free, to stretch out on the carpet and release aromas—too generous a word—long-held in captivity), and various items clutter the desk and bedside table; laundry detergent, a Stephen King book, a Nalgene bottle, and a bread bag holding not bread, but chocolate chips.

This is what a hotel room looks like (and smells like) on the 7th day of tour.
It’s been a good run so far. Taylor Robertson’s 20-tour was the perfect leadoff hitter. The weather was mild, so she had us set up outside by her garden. This video will paint the picture better than my words ever could, so peep the highlights.

After that, we headed to Columbia, where, despite having plenty of time to promote around campus before the show, only about 20 people came out to see us. That’s ok though. It’s our first time headlining in a lot of these towns, so 20 is not too bad when you think about it. And actually…the show was a blast. Smell made an announcement after the first few songs and instructed all those in attendance to scoot their tables and chairs forward so everyone would be right in front of the stage. He even hopped down to help them with the labor. The whole move seemed to bring everyone in the venue together, and the night progressed beautifully after that.

Next was Cincinnati, OH, a homecoming for Sean the New Guy. Many of his old pals came out, as did his wonderful, exuberant parents Greg and Nancy (thank you so much again for the beds, food, and oh yeah…your son), and the energy in the place was high. All in all a great first headlining show in Cincinnati.

We had a good feeling about Chicago the next night, and our premonitions proved true. 158 people came out, and we had a great little pizza party in the green room before the show. (Nothing builds camaraderie quite like a pizza party, ya know? Especially when it involves beer, too). Many, many, many thanks to Paul from Motu Management for working so tirelessly to help promote this show.

Milwaukee the next night was sparsely attended, but those that came out (Josh, Ryan, Rya, Paul, etc) were so spirited, it was easy to imagine we were playing to a packed house. And in fact, the room was pretty small, so it was kinda packed if you look at it that way. But that’s pretty much all there is to say about that show. Wait…wait, something else happened that night, I can’t remember…what was it….damn….OH YEAH. We took scorpion shots. Holy hell, that was a trip.

So that brings us to last night, when we played Sonya’s 20-Tour party in Portage, IN. Sonya is one of our greatest, most helpful and heartfelt fans (cruise and pow-wow alum), and she did it up right for her party (which was partly a 50th birthday celebration for her mom). I’m talkin’ home-made banners, a Full Service sweater for her 3-legged dog Layla, kazoo party favors, gluten-free beer, killer BBQ, and a very memorable food spread. Once again, words cannot do it justice, so check out this video recap instead.

Also be sure to watch THIS clip, in which we explain to the crowd one of our favorite tour games.

Which brings us here, to the La Quinta Inn in Indianapolis (I just typed a whole lot of I’s and N’s). I’m done with this tour update, but damn if this chair hasn’t hypnotized me into its cushions. So after uploading some photo highlights of the trip, I think I’ll sit here awhile, listening to Mike and John talk about Domenic Hixon’s amazing catch.

VIEW THE PHOTO HIGHLIGHTS HERE!

June 19, 2011 - "Stubb's No-Show!"

What You Missed at Stubb’s on Friday Night

Nothing!

Thanks to a plumbing problem, Stubb’s had to cancel the show. (“Plumbing problem”= “somebody slammed some barbeque before your show then hit the bathroom and now the place smells like New Jersey”).

The stench was bad. Like “makes-you-cough” bad. I felt so sorry for the lone Stubb’s employee who had to stand at the doors for 2 hours telling people “show’s been cancelled, sorry guys”. The higher ups at Stubb's better be paying that guy overtime. Or at least be giving him high-fives in the office today.

We had received some intel from some fans about an hour before we got to the venue about Stubb’s not letting people in even after doors were supposed to be open, but we figured they’d get it all squared away and we’d be good to go. So we rolled into the back Stubb’s parking lot still optimistic that the show would go off. But something equally stinky awaited us as we tried to find an open space.

At first it didn’t look like there were any open spots available, but then we saw a tow truck getting ready to ruin someone’s night and we positioned ourselves to slide into the soon-to-be-vacant space. But as the truck pulled out and we sidled in, we noticed that the car on the chains was that of our own Sir Smellman, who had driven to the venue separately.
Crappy situations often bring out the best in us, and Twinky-P’s swift reaction to this debacle reminded us all why we love him so much. As soon as he realized it was Smell’s car, Twinky slammed the car into park and started sprinting down the street after the tow-truck driver. I have never seen Twinky-P run that fast. He found another gear that night ladies and gentlemen. I guess he was banking on the fact that Smell had his parking pass displayed properly (the rest of us did not have such faith).

Long story short, Twinky-P got the driver to pull over because he insisted that “my friend definitely has a parking pass, there must be some mistake.” But upon booth review, it turned out the pass was tucked safely away into a side-compartment of the vehicle, rendering it useless. The tow truck driver threw down his cigarette butt, climbed back in the vehicle, and bailed.

Quote Smell: “Man….an upper cut to the face then a body shot to the kidney. Perfect night.”

But…we made the most of the evening, I suppose. We hung out by the door to Stubb’s (coughing at regular intervals) and handed out the “Serving up Tasty Jams” shirts to fans that were expecting a show. It was brutal. We met people who had driven in from Dallas, Houston, etc. In retrospect, we probably should have made shirts that said “I went to a Full Service show and all I got was this stinking shirt”.

Anyway, we’ll reschedule soon and keep ya’ll in the loop. Hang onto those tickets because they’ll probably be redeemable at the next one.

PS—Here’s the one photo taken from the show that night. And it’s from soundcheck.

"20 Tour" Diary Entries April 14 - May 18

Week #4 and #5

@ Momsaw and Dadsaw's house outside of Philadelphia, PA (May 15, 2011)

Weather reports had it raining, so mom and dad prepared an indoor concert. But after we'd moved the living room couch and brought in 20 chairs from the dining room and set up all our gear and lights and power strips and outlets, and after the guests (about 35 in all) started filling the house and mingling....the sun came out.

So, we called all hands on deck and moved everything outside. Didn't take too long actually, and in no time it was go time. Bonesaw and I have known many of these guests since we were babies, actually, so it was kind of a trip playing a party for them all. The Davidsons, the Simensons, the Serras, Toedmans, Bucks, Szwajkos's, Simmonds's, they all came out. My buddy-since-Kindergarten Jeremy "Pants" Menkowitz and his parents and wife Lauren also made it out, too, so this one was kinda special like that.

Mom and Pops did a great job setting everything up and creating a perfect Sunday afternoon atmosphere, and it looked like the sun was going to stick around for good. But...it didn't. After about 45 minutes the rains came, so we hustled back indoors and played for about 25 more minutes. It was great to see that everybody stuck with us and stayed for that last set, because the rain could have certainly provided them with an opportunity to split. What can I say? Momsaw and Dadsaw roll with a hip crew.

One note about post-show activities: If you've seen the video of the first half of the backyard Frisbee golf tournament we've been playing, then you might be interested to know how the rest of the thing played out. Here's the skinny. Right before the show on Sunday, we played round seven of eight, and I was on freaking FIRE. My stellar play happened to coincide with a complete meltdown on Bonesaw's end, and since Smell had slid out of contention in the two previous games, it looked like I had the thing locked up. Even if I came in last on the eighth and final round (to be played after the show), I would still only need a score of 51 to be crowned the tourney champ. 51 is 5 over par, and my worst score of the tournament was a 48, and that was considered a meltdown.

So...if scoring a 48 is a meltdown, I don't know what you'd call scoring a 55. It's almost like I wasn't even playing. Let's put it this way...I was drinking some beer called "Ruination" during the show, and never felt like I had much control over my Frisbee. Come to think of it, the last time I drank Ruination I had a similar collapse of motor skills and found myself struggling, limping, drowning during a drum solo at the Flamingo Cantina a couple years back. So yes, I'm blaming Stone Brewing Co. and their devil of a brew. I don't know what they put in that sucker, but it's obviously Hoag-Kryptonite.

@ Chris "Wilsaw" Wilson's apartment in North Philly, PA

Chris is an old buddy of ours from our days back in Philadelphia, and he's a 2010 Fall Tour alum. You know and love him from many of the tour videos from that time. (His reading of his prayer to the Whale became an instant classic). He's also famous for his recitations of the Shel Silverstein poem "Rock 'n' Roll Band" before FS performances of "Rocketships" at the end of those fall tour shows. And for hitting me on the head with a drumstick in Chicago during the mayhem that is the last 30 seconds of Rocketships. I'll never know why he did that. It really, really hurt. But for some reason I also have very fond memories of it. Maybe that's why he did it.

Chris had us over to his apartment for the penultimate (I think that means, second-to-last, but I'm not sure) show of the 20-Tour. When we got to his building we had to carry our gear through a delightful quarter-mile long maze of locked doors, back alleys, and manual freight elevators. In a light, spitting rain. But it didn't matter. This was Wilsaw's 20-Tour show, and we'd been excited about this one for quite some time.

Actually that elevator was really fun. I don't know if you guys have ever been in a manually-operated freight elevator but no parts are hidden, you can see the inner workings all the way up, down and around, it involves pulling a rope and shutting a barred, wooden door, and in general it resembles a bird-cage on a pulley-system. It's great fun. If you ever get the chance...

Chris had a beautiful case of Stone IPA waiting for us, and he had set up a banner of Full Service Whale-tails attached to two unhinged, windowed patio doors on either side. A Peter Tosh vinyl was spinning on the vintage record player, and his girlfriend Katie was pulling out treats from the oven that seemed to never stop.

When we started playing there were about 25-30 people there and I really don't think the crowd of the setting could have been any better. The surprise of the night for me was when everybody sang along to our cover of John Denver's "Country Roads."

Chris, you are the man and we miss touring with you. Come back out with us anytime. Thank you, and Katie, for putting on a helluva show. And that potpourri sitting in the ripped-in-half beer can in the bathroom? Nice touch dude.

Week #3 and #4 (May 2 - May 12)

@ Jeremy Plauche's house in Milliville, NJ (May 12, 2011)

We got to know Jeremy after legendary Fansaw Mark Larmeaux brought him to a show in Baton Rouge, where Jeremy and Mark went to school. Jeremy has since moved up to New Jersey and now works as an EMT with a cast of characters that we all got to meet last night at the show.

Within 5 minutes of arriving, Jeremy and his buddy Matt unveiled a stunning creation; a custom Full Service ping-pong/beer-pong table. It's amazing to see our gracious hosts busting out these Full Service creations at each party. There've been cupcakes, cakes, fireworks displays after "Rocketships", tour banners, and now pong tables. I wonder what Momsaw and Dadsaw are gonna do on Sunday? (I sent Momsaw a picture of Jeremy and Matt's table and she texted back "how are we gonna top this??" I don't know mom. Better get to work. May I suggest a 15-passenger custom painted Whale Van?)

Jeremy threw a top-notch party. Here's just some of what the evening included...Moonboots, tiki torch stage, mardi-gras masks, mardi-gras beads (which led to a naked dash around the perimeter of the house by the merriest of the guests), beer hookahs, and lots of ambulances in the driveway on account of many of the guests' profession. If there was ever a show to suffer a heart-attack or break a leg, this would be the one. Although I'm not sure about that, considering these guys and gals seem to make the most out of their off days if you know what I mean.

Anyway, enjoy the video recap. Thanks again Jeremy (and Matt!), and Happy Birthday!

@ Momsaw's house - DAYS OFF (5-12-2011)
In 1997, when Bonesaw and I were still youngsters living in philly with our parents, we made a frisbee golf course around the yard. smell was inducted into the league after scoring under 55 on 10 games (per the rules, and yes there is a "league constitution"). while we were home for a few days during the 20-tour, we played an 8 round tournament. it's actually still in progress, but here's a montage of some early-round play. the name of the league is the "CBDBL" (clarion-bobby d 'bee league) named after the two promotional mini-frisbees we were using when we first started the league. i think clarion is a hotel chain, and bobby d was some sort of bar mitzvah dj or something.

@ Kaaren's house in Guilford, CT (hosted by Kaaren, Katie, and Ashley) (5-8-2011)

Katie is a friend of mine from college who was able to put this show together with the quickness after a cancellation from somebody else. It's hard to throw a party and put on a show with live music, and she and her friend Ashley did an amazing job. They decided to hold it at their friend Kaaren's house, and the party sort of doubled as a going-away party for Kaaren. Actually Kaaren's not going far, she's moving only a few blocks away, so it was more about saying goodbye to this amazing house she's lived in for so long. You'll see from the slideshow that this was a special home and location.

When we got there, we cracked open some of the Ithaca Flower Power IPA that Katie had somehow found for us (it's hard to find), and played a heated game of bocce ball. (Blue Team beat Bonesaw and Katie).

After the game, we hung the banner from the upper level balcony of the house, and set up our gear right in front of the Long Island Sound. (I think it was the Long Island Sound. Was it the Long Island Sound?)

Best part of the show? Watching baby Indy in her funky outfit and heart-shaped sunglasses dancin and boppin and grooving. Little kids are always the best dancers.

Thanks K, K, and A!

@ Montgomery County Community College in Blue Bell PA (5-11-2011)

This one was hosted by Matt Porter and Morgan Betz (aka Mooger, Moog, Professor-I Gtor-I, Two Handerson, Gtori Anderson. Whatever you call him, ya'll know this guy. Think "Earth Still Wants You", Takeover Tour, 311 Cruise, tons of video and photography and recording, etc...). Porter and Morgan work together in the Audio-Visual department at the school, and they've been hosting acoustic shows on campus for years.

But this time was special, because they had us play on a far corner of campus in the woods next to a pond. It was kind of tricky letting everyone know where exactly to meet us, but "that little clearing near the baseball fields by the pong" seemed to do the trick, and about 25 people showed up. Another sold-out show baby!

After the show, which included a surprise appearance by Takeover Tour alum "Cakeman", and Animal (drummer for the Muppets house band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem), Morgan led a 5-camera music video shoot for Lately. (After much deliberation on facebook and at the show itself, Lately edged out Greetings and Roaming Dragons). Not sure when we can expect to see the finished product, but it should be relatively soon, and from what we've seen of the footage, it's gonna be beautiful.

Thanks again Professors Gtori and Porter! Hope to be back soon.

"Trumpets" live in the woods by Gtori Anderson:

@Matt Whitney and Brian Rose's show @ the Rose Family Barn, Bloomfield CT (5-7-11)

When he was fresh outta college, Bonesaw taught middle school American History and Government for two years at a school in West Hartford. Matt and Brian were two of the dudes that were seniors in the connecting high school whose brothers were some of Bonesaw's students. (Follow that?)

Anyway, this was sort of a homecoming for Bonesaw in a lot of ways, as many of his former middle school students are now graduating college, and many of the guys he knew from the high school are working professionals. This was an all-star cast, ladies and gentlemen, people who have been putting us up for the past few years when we roll through their towns on tour. Maciej, Slammer, Jeff, Matt, Conman, Brian, Alex, the entire Whitney and Rose families. They all came together for a show we've been looking forward to since we left Austin almost a month ago, and the setting couldn't have been more perfect.

The Rose Family Barn. All old wood, wine barrels, ladders, ship-rigging, even a basketball hoop and a giant neon palm tree.

Matt and Brian and their friend Greg opened the show with a short set which is something we've never seen from them before. They should all quit whatever jobs they have and take it on the road.

Many thanks to Whit (aka "Albuquerue"...long story) and Brian for putting this together, and Brian's parents for letting us crash their barn. Also, a big huge hug to the Whitney Family who is like our family away from home. We went over to their place the morning after the barn show for a mother's day brunch. Be sure to watch the video until the end so you can see Smell getting attacked by the Whitney's dog, which is not so much a dog as it is a snack for a dog. Not sure anything's ever been cuter.

@ Ben and Kelli's in Swansea, MA

Ben and Kelli are a couple of love birds from Providence who we met at our first show at Lupo's in that same city. Since then they've been two of our best fansaws, spreading the word and tagging their friends' bumpers with Full Service stickers.

Ben was worried about not being able to fit everyone into his pad, so his sister graciously hosted the show at their sweet pad near Swansea in Massachusetts. Coolest thing about it? There was a huge indoor pool attached to the side of the house with a tiki hut in the corner. Nice Vibe.

When we got there Ben ordered us a veggie pizza with some serious Feta Cheese on top. Feta might be my favorite cheese. It's pretty powerful though and must be controlled and distributed in small doses.

After some casual hangin in the tiki hut by the pool, Bonesaw warmed up for the set by having a jam session with Ben's niece, who proved to be somewhat of a percussive/dance genius. After that, we played about 20 songs, the highlight being a solid rendition of "Island on an Island".

Post-show activities mostly included the indoor pool. For the Blue Team at least. Red Team opted to stay dry. To each their own!

Thanks so much to Ben and Kelli and Ben's sister for hosting this show. So cool of you guys to make those custom FS 2-Tour shows for all the guests, that was something we certainly haven't see yet on this tour. Hope to be back soon guys!

@ Greg Miles' parents house in Branford, CT (5-3-2011)

Before heading over to Greg's (a cruise alum), we stopped in New Haven to visit my old stomping grounds at Yale. Everything pretty much looked the same. People going into the same buildings, studying for the same classes, eating in the same cafeterias. Bonesaw asked me if I missed it, and I said no, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be fun to go back and do it all again. It's a great atmosphere. All those old gothic buildings that look like dripping clay. Smell said it reminded me of "Hogwarts", which is a very appropriate comparison I think.

Anyway, after playing some two-on-two soccer at the intramural fields (Blue Team killed Red Time 9-3 or something ridiculous like that), we drove 10 miles up I-95 for the show at Greg's parents' place. (He was originally going to have it at his apartment but wasn't sure it was big enough).

The weather was perfect, and the house was beautiful. Smell was really blown away by this gorgeous tree on the front lawn and was shocked when nobody in the family knew what species it was. "You guys have been living here for how many years and you don't know what kind of tree is sitting in your front yard???" (Smell voice). The guy does not pull any punches.

Week #2 and 3 (April 23 - May 1)

@ the Grabowski Family's house in Buffalo, NY (April 30, 2011)

I think we met Dave and Lisa (brother and sister) in early 2010 during a swing up north with Badfish, but it feels like we've known them for so much longer. It's funny actually, what brought us all so close was something that I'm sure Lisa would rather forget. During the Badfish set, she was hit in the face by somebody who was moshing near the front row, so we told her and Dave to come backstage with an ice-pack and just cool out. Since then, they've been like far-away-family-in-Buffalo.

They held the show at their parents' house and everybody just did a phenomenal job putting it all together. Dave had some dank IPA's waiting for us in a cooler (Souther Tier IPA), and he even made a huge tye-died banner listing all the dates of the 20-Tour.

It was also a blast hanging out with Dave and Lisas's parents (ex-deadheads, wonderful peeps), and Dave's two little kids. Also in attendance were high-level fansaws Jake Smith, Bill Crooks, Ti-fa-fa (and her daughter), and Tasha.

Highlights of the show included a somewhat disastrous performance of "Tasteless Gravy" (which Dave says he listens to every single day on his way to work), and somebody's little kid asking me if I'd sign his hamburger bun. (We settled on a CD instead).

Unfortunately, I didn't get either of these things on video, but I got a bunch of other stuff. Check it out!

@ Brad Walters' house near Pittsburgh, PA (April 28, 2011)

The drive over to Brad's house was gorgeous. Rolling green hills, old farms, all flowing by under that sort of magical filter of a twilight sun. And, the first movement of Brian Wilson's "Smile"—the farmland/Americana motif—was playing on the car stereo as we dipped and climbed the narrow roads.

When we arrived at Brad's we knew right away that this would be a special one. Brad and his buddy Brian (both cruise-alums) came out to greet us and showed us into the big garage where we'd be setting up to play. Brad's pops and his friend Eugene were playing some old country tunes, and we were more than happy to sit around for a while and just listen to those two old pros.

Food? There was plenty of it, and Brad and Brian were kind enough not to call us sissies for being a bunch of vegetarian and gluten free hippies. A lot of grille-masters wouldn't dare let a boca burger sully the integrity of cook-out, but these guys were nothing but accommodating. AND, one of their friends made some killer gluten free deserts, which sat next to the Full Service Roaming Dragons cake that Brad had ordered from a local bakery.

Check the video to see all of these highlights, plus some highlights of the show itself, including Hoag asking for a second chance to sing the right lyrics at the end of "Strings" and Brad doing the illest chicken dance of all time. And who can forget the post-show fireworks? (Actually it ended up being more than fireworks. Ahem—quarterstickofdynamite??)

@ Matt and Ryan's show @ Tyler's barn in Buffalo, NY (April 27, 2011)

At first, this show seemed in great peril of getting shut-down by the unforgiving Bufallo weather. Low 40's, people.

And Matt and Ryan—two peeps we met through our shows with Badfish—originally want to have us play in the middle of some remote patch of woods. Besides the fact that there was no way to run electricity out to this spot, the chill in the air would have made it impossible for Bonesaw and Twink to play their guitars and keyboards. Myself? I eliminated the woods as an option before even getting to the site. It was simply too. effing. cold.

So while Ryan and my guys went into the woods, I hung back in a parking lot where some of Ryan and Matt's friends were just arriving. Everybody seemed to be in agreement that the woods was a tough idea, and one dude by the name of Tyler mentioned something about us being able to do it at his barn a few miles away. I responded to the news with an immediate "yes" and called the guys back in from the woods.

They didn't hear me, so we waited another 5 minutes while they moseyed back to the parking lot on their own time. (I really don't know what took them so long to scout the viability of the "woods option." It needed no investigation in my opinion, but whatever).

When we got to Tyler's barn, it was clear this was the way to go. There was a loft with a perfect place to hang out and listen to music of the roaming dragons variety.

Matt and Ryan and his friends were a great audience. Their crew reminded me of the one from the movie "The Sandlot". Everybody seemed to have known each other for a long time, and there was obviously some harmless ribbing between them throughout the night, but it was the kind that exists between a real tight-knit group of friends. The kind of crew that invents a game called "Water-Toss".
The rules are few—you just throw a water bottle sort of artfully to someone else in the circle and you must maintain a certain "flow of movement" to the passing of the bottle—and the point of the game is somewhat abstract. Nobody wins, nobody loses, it's just a way to pass the time. It's really the perfect combination of cooperation, creativity, and athleticism. Unfortunately I have no video of our post-show Water-Toss session, but I do have some shots of the foosball tournament.

Enjoy the video recap! That's "The Captain" joining us on Freezing Dub for a little freestyling.

@ Sean O'Rourke's local park in Columbus, OH (April 27, 2011)

Sean is a senior in high school and one of our most loyal fans. He booked a pavilion at Fancyburg park outside Columbus and it turned out great. Caitlin Dolan and Shorty Mahoney—another pair of superfans (now friends) from the C-bus area—made a cameo at this show, so we were surrounded by some great peeps here.

Unfortunately I didn't get much video of this one, but there's some, so check it out!

@ Bekah Leftwich's neighborhood bar in Cincinnati, OH. (April 26, 2011)

We met Bekah on the 311 cruise back in March, and it's always great to reunite with people from that crew. Also in attendance at this show were cruise-alumns Josh Glass and his wife Stacie.

Before heading over to Bekah's we went to a local place called "Jungle Jim's" for dinner. Picture a Whole Foods, but better. Hands down, the best beer selection I've ever seen. (They didn't have Ithaca Flower Power, however, which continues to prove itself as the holy-grail of IPA's.) We grabbed some Founders IPA, Two-Hearted IPA, and some sushi then rolled over to Bekah's.

So, by "neighborhood bar", I literally mean a bar situated right in the middle of the neighborhood; it's integrated into and maintained by the subdivision. Actually a perfect setting for a 20-Tour show.

Check out the video for some highlights, including an encore held in the dark outside the bar. That was a first.

Thanks Bekah!

@ Gina's cabin in Wisconsin (April 23, 2011)

Gina is a fan-turned-friend who's actually moving to Austin really soon, but who is from the Chicago area. She had us come play at her family's cabin in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.

Regrettably, I didn't have my video camera for this show, but Gina took this video of the acoustic world debut of "Everybody," and here's a quick rundown of what happened; a Frisbee catch on the golf-course next to her cabin, some doggie-disagreements (they got ugly for a minute, but Gina's boxers Bailey and Kaiser and Dave's cattle-dog Dexter ultimately avoided killing each other), and a little shrimp and tilapia-on-the-grille action.

Oh, and Gina also busted out this crazy contraption made of two straps that can somehow be used to perform every exercise known to man. It's pretty bad-ass, but you need a horizontal overhead beam on which to hang it.

@Will Scroggin's House - Wichita, KS (4.20.2011)
For some reason Hoagman didn't do a writeup for this show, just the video. And somehow it got left out of the update originally. maybe it's because the show was on 4.20?

WEEK #1 April 14 - April 20
Before we get started, a quick introduction for our temporary (and tour saving) rental mini-van... "THE MINNOW!"

After each 20-Tour show, we’ll be posting either a slide-show or a performance of one of the songs we played that night. Or sometimes—like in this case—both.

APRIL 14, 2011 @ Steffan “Kazooologist” Stroud’s place (Dallas, TX)

Last night we were at Steffan Stroud’s place in Dallas, TX. Thanks for hosting last night, Steffan! You’re probably still “riding high” from that crowd surfing stunt, eh? Let’s relive the festivities with this slide show. Things to look for…

--Our gracious host, Steffan “The Kazooologist” Stroud
--Bonesaw shaking hands with our bud Brett Condrat, 311 Cruise alum
--Everybody chowing down before the set
--Hoag doing his “Animal” impression
--Smell and Hoag having a blue-team moment before the show
--People signing the two commemorative 20-Tour posters (one for us and one for the host)
--Smell standing in the middle of the room looking devilishly handsome
--A fake pile of dog-poo that Steffan placed on the floor near the front door
--Twink singing “Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eeee-yeah!” at the end of Ramona
--Animal dancing on Hoag’s snare drum
--Steffan in his recliner waiting patiently for his kazoo solo in Trumpets
--Smell and Hoag handing out percussion toys during the Chickens jam
--Bonesaw flirting with the idea of getting down into his solo “stance”. (instead he opts for a straight-leg kick-out)
--Hoag coming to his feet to sing “Blueberry Farm” hands free (inches from Bonesaw and Twink’s face)
--Steffan crowd surfing
--Smell setting up the post-show dance party music
--Hoag dancing to the post-show dance party music
--Twink making his “naughty face”
--Hoag and Smell jamming with members of Steffan’s band “Duckpump”
--Somebody getting their bottle of gray-goose signed

APRIL 15, 2011 (Friday) @ Britt and Eon's (Tulsa, OK)

These are two alums from the 311 Cruise (actually even before that, they saw us with Badfish at Cain's Ballroom in Tulsa, OK). They originally had planned for us to play at a park outside, but Oklahoma is apparently having some tornado issues right now, so they moved it inside to their home. It turned out great. Here's a recap, with a performance of "Chickens" (with, as usual, much audience participation in the percussion department, including Eon and Brittany's 3 year-old little dude, Dylan.) Also, note the part where Smell rigs up a home-made shaker made of a bottle of ALJ homeopathic allergy treatment and a bag of hippie beads.

Next stop, David Rankin in Kansas. See you soon!

APRIL 16, 2011 (Saturday) @ David Rankin’s House (Newton, KS)

Saturday was a great day. Perfect weather. Great car ride (Smell is trying to get us to hop on that “Friday” song bandwagon, and it’s working), great mechanical horse ride at the Walmart, good game of soccer, and a great show at David Rankin’s house, who had a beautiful house (built in 1909), a cooler full of Hoag and Smell’s favorite beer (Modus Hoperandi), and a fleet of really tiny adorable dogs. The featured video tonight is again Chickens, because David’s grandmother (“Grandma”, to everyone) did the chicken dance. I think tonight’s rendition was so spirited because D-man has 3 Rhode Island Red’s in a coup in his yard.

Anyway, thanks so much Dave! It was great to hang with you (pre-show Frisbee toss) and meet so many of your family and friends. A perfect show. Oh and thanks for the bean dip and grilled corn and asparagus. Unbelievable.

After the show at David Rankin’s house we went to a Best Western that was just a little cooler than all other Best Westerns. Reason=it had a huge field behind the parking lot that was perfect for hucking the Frisbee (a Murchison Middle School Frisbee, thanks to Colleen Conrad). Another Reason=there was a “Dogsaw” doppelganger running around this very same field. (Smell’s dog is a rat terrier named “Dogsaw”)

APRIL 17, 2011 (SUNDAY) @ Chrissy Frische’s house (Kansas City, MO.)

Thanks Chrissy! The 2pm start time was a nice change of pace, and those boca burgers were killer. It was cool meeting your fiancé, too. Tell him he needs to start doing some stand-up. He can open our next show in the area.

One thing we did at this show that we don’t usually do is take a mid-set lunch break. Note Chrissy’s fiancée Aaron get called out by Chrissy’s friend (this all happens off-camera) for not manning the grille and leaving it all up to Chrissy. That’s tough, Aaron! In his defense, he owns up to it, but I’m not sure he actually got up. Just kidding man, you’re awesome and it was great hangin’ with you. The point of that story was that there was a moment in the set where people started talking about food, and the aromas were floating off the grille, so we took 20 (how appropriate) and had some potato salad and boca burgers.

Also in the video, note Chrissy’s photo collage commemorating her first few Full Service experiences, which began last year when she met Smell at a Badfish show in Kansas City that the rest of us were actually not involved in. Smell was travelling with Badfish at the time helping with merch, and I guess he repped us so hard that Chrissy ended up coming to our shows thereafter.

We included a clip of “Hallways”, but if you want to see the whole performance of that song, I’ve uploaded that separately.

APRIL 18, 2011 (MONDAY) @ Ryan Smith's house (Claremore, OK)

We had some time to kill before Ryan Smith’s show in Claremore, OK, so we headed over to the Tallgrass Prairie Nature Preserve. From the National Park Service website:

Tallgrass prairie once covered 140 million acres of North America. Within a generation the vast majority was developed and plowed under. Today less than 4% remains, mostly here in the Kansas Flint Hills. The preserve protects a nationally significant remnant of the once vast tallgrass prairie and its cultural resources. Here the tallgrass prairie takes its last stand.

The park ranger told us that they’ve been re-introducing some Bison into their old habitat, and to keep an eye out.

Check out the video of our adventure. Snakes, Rams, Mules, and at the very end, a distant herd of Bison.

@ Ryan Smith’s house.... The guy is a big personality and a huge heart. We met him at Cain’s a couple years ago at one of the shows we played with Badfish. When we got to his house in Claremore, OK, it was obvious right away that this was an old-fashioned block party. Kids runnin around with water balloons (Bonesaw led them into battle at field nearby), good stuff on the grille, lawn chairs set-up, Christmas lights hanging in the backyard, a blues band getting things warmed up, a Full Service Whale cake, taser gun dares, and even a visit or two from the police. It was really a fantastic time, and it was so awesome meeting and hanging out with such a big family (his mom and dad were there, his wife, his 5 kids, his sister, AND of course a bunch of neighbors and friends). That’s what’s really cool about this tour, is being welcomed into these comfortable homes and environments. Every show kinda feels like thanksgiving or something. Or at least it makes you think about how awesome thanksgivings must be at these homes.

Watch the video to take a stroll around Ryan’s 20-Tour show…

March 10 , 2011

Many of you already know the story of how we got put on the 311 Caribbean Cruise, or rather, how our relationship with 311 began. But for those of you who don’t, it involved a stunt we pulled in 2008 called The Takeover Tour, in which we played to tailgaters in parking lots during the annual 311 Summer Unity amphitheater tour. We made a movie about it, which you all will see soon enough. We actually debuted the documentary (entitled “TAKEOVER!”) on the cruise, and it provided an excellent way for the 311 community to learn a little bit about who we are and how we got involved in this adventure. What follows is an attempt to recount our time on the boat.

Where do I even begin with this freakin update? How to compress the most amazing experience this band has ever had into a couple of pages?

I should probably start with the walkie-talkies we bought. When it occurred to us that there would be times on the boat when we would all be separated and looking for each other, and when we realized our cell-phones would be of no use that far out to sea, we resolved to purchase a bunch of walkie-talkies. So the day before we boarded the boat we picked up some Cobra-brand radios at Wal-Mart. For those of you who haven’t used walkies in a while, we highly—HIGHLY—recommend it. We felt so stupid for not thinking of this way back during Toursaw I, as they are (alongside hand sanitizer, plastic cutlery, and smart phones) one of the most useful items to bring on a road trip.

Example—We pull up to a grocery store. Bonesaw heads to the bread aisle, Smell and Chito and Hoag head over to the snack sections, and Twinky-P stays outside…

Bonesaw: “Twinky-P, this is Bonesaw, do you read?

Twinky-P: “Roger, I read.”

Bonesaw: “Do you want the sugar free bread or will you eat regular?”

Twinky: “Copy that, I’m good with regular.”

Hoag/Chito/Smell: “Can you grab some peanut butter as well Bonesaw? And did you want another box of Kix? Are you out of it yet?”

Bonesaw: “Ten Four, requesting Kix retrieval.”

So much fun. Go out and buy some. Of course, once we got on the boat, they didn’t work after about 20 feet. Too much interference from real walkies from the production company, and from the countless walls and floors separating us at any given moment.

Which leads me to the size of the boat. That sucker is big. Menacingly big. It’s not even a boat, it’s a building. A skyscraper. A hotel.

So what was the first thing we did? Smell and Chito and Twinky-P ran into somebody who offered some rum and Gatorade, so they broke off and got their buzz on within the first 5 minutes. Morgan, Bone and I split off to check out the cabin--snug, but comfortable, with a nice big window looking out about 15 feet above the water line. Bone and I roomed together next door to Twinky and Smell, and Chito and Morgan were up on level 7, and they didn’t have a window. I’m told this sort of messed with their minds a little bit, but there really wasn’t much time spent in our rooms with so much on the boat to explore.

We’re talking multiple pools, a casino, a disco room, food spreads everywhere, basketball courts, a water slide, ping-pong tables, and stages ranging from small to enormous.

I think the best way to go about this diary update is to have each of us in the band answer a survey that I put together. So here goes…

Below are my answers.... for BONESAW and SMELLMAN'S click their names and read on!

Briefly describe the four shows we played on the boat. (The who, what, when, and where)

First show was in a big indoor theater called the Palladium. How nice and accommodating were Todd and Cari?? (Stage managers.) I was a little nervous about not being able to play my drumset on the cruise, but they had some many different kits and sizes to choose from, it actually turned out to be a blast. Those drums sounded incredible. Might be time for a new drumset. (Mom, Dad…my birthday’s in August).

So the Palladium show was fun. We were unknowns coming onto the boat, so this show was sort of a “prove it” show, and it was great to see so many people warm up to us so quickly. 311’s managers Adam and Peter had a lot to do with that, as they led by example and went to the front of the stage and stood up, pumping their fists and yelling their support.
The next day’s show on the Lido Deck (a big pool area outside on the top of the boat) was wild, and definitely the most fun show Full Service has ever played. No joke. Here’s what happened; 2 hours before showtime, it’s sunny and beautiful. Tons of people out on the deck, waiting to get rocked. One hour later, and there are grey, menacing clouds ahead. BOOM. Downpour. Not good. The tarps go up, the people flee the deck, the show is threatened. One hour after THAT, it’s cleared up. Still grey, but no rain. So they give us the green light to rock. The crowd returns, and we launch into Battleship, Ramona, Black is Back, Rocketships, Don’t Deny, and all the while the wind starts swirling faster and more powerfully with every song. The sky and ocean exhale huge breaths into the drumset, sending the cymbal stands and the snare drum in upon me, then back out again. There is a rhythm to the wind, a definite exhale and inhale, exhale and inhale. Then we feel raindrops. Clearly another big storm is coming. Ignoring the famous logic of not tempting the Gods, Bonesaw summons Poseidon to give us everything he’s got, we’ll challenge his power with our rock! Sensing a strong response from one of the more vengeful and proud of the Greek gods, I yell out to Bonesaw to play “Tasteless Gravy” so we can at least go out swinging. About halfway through the song it’s a full blown, middle-of-the-ocean storm. Everybody is going wild and after the last note we help the stage crew tie down the tarps over the drums (it felt so much like rigging the sails on a big pirate ship; everybody yelling and falling over and working together) and do our best to get everything secured before retreating back inside. The show is an instant classic in the history of Full Service, and pretty soon the boat is abuzz with talk of the “Hurricane Show” on the Lido Deck. All remaining Lido Deck shows for that afternoon and evening are moved indoors.

The next two shows were inside on a smaller stage, in a much more controlled environment. Heat was the only issue at these shows, so we made sure to play Hotter in the House. Highlights of these shows were a quick lesson on how to sing the opening riff of “Trumpets” (they responded loudly) and a version of “Lately” that was for some reason the best we’ve ever done. I can’t put my figure on it. Smell says he felt a different groove. Deeper. I paid special attention to the words and felt a stronger connection to the melody.
Lowlights of those shows were few. I can only think of one actually, and that’s when the Marshall JCM900 shorted out and we had a 10 minute delay. I did my best to cover the time with a short drum solo, but mostly Smell and I just talked smack and made fun of Bonesaw for struggling to deal with the Fender amp the sound guy brought in as a replacement.

What was your favorite show to play and why?

Lido Deck. By far. (See above)

Who is DJ Soulman and why is he awesome?

DJ Soulman is the former frontman for the Phunk Junkeez. (Who get a shout out on 311’s song “Jackolantern’s Weather” from the blue album.) He’s now a party DJ and the head of Soul Management, a whole fleet of DJ’s based in Arizona. He got the party bumpin every night on the cruise, and he had serious style and a great flow to his playlist. Plus he’s just a really nice dude with an awesome hairstyle. Not a mullet, not a tail, not a Mohawk, but something in between. He was also a big fan of the TAKEOVER! documentary, and told me that the Phunk Junkeez did a similar thing back in the day. “GOOD game, coach, GOOD GAME!” he said.

Who are the Raspler brothers and why are they awesome?

The Raspler brothers, Adam and Peter, have been 311’s management team ever since the band started, and they are two of the coolest people I’ve met. Bonesaw and I share a special bond with them because of the whole brother thing. They’re also very competitive (you should have seen how serious they were at the Ping-Pong tournament), which is something we can relate to very well. They worked their asses off to make the Cruise happen, and all I can say is bra-freaking-vo, or—as DJ Soulman would say—Good game coach, good game!

Explain any experiences you may have had with Venus Williams.

Ok so shortly after checking into our cabins, Bonesaw and I went upstairs to check out the gym. One person was in there (who happened to be Doug Benson of “Super High Me”), but other than that, empty. So I’m sitting there doing some crunches, and who walks in? The greatest female tennis player in the world. Just a strange, strange experience. Later on I would find myself rocking out to 311 and turning to my left only to see Venus Williams singing along to “Uncalm”. Sweet.

Explain any interactions you may have had with the guys in 311.

We only ran into two of the guys from 311, and they happen to be the two guys we’ve met twice before, Tim and Chad (guitar and drums). They were both the incredibly humble and kind. Chad got up from his meal to come over and chat. He and I joked about the windy conditions on the Lido Deck and how hard it was to play the drums with our ride cymbals and snare drums blowing all over the place. He said he probably had an easier time because when they played their set on the Lido Deck we were not far from port and cruising on only 1000 feet of water, but while Full Service was playing while the ocean’s depth was about 9,000 feet.

What was it like playing on equipment that was not yours? (The bands— besides 311—had to use equipment that was provided by the production company, “Sixthman Productions”)

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The drums they had sounded so good, and I could set it up exactly as my kit is usually set up. I think I got spoiled actually. I may have to get a new drum kit. Mine is so old. Don’t worry though, I’ll still paint it whatever way I want it.

Who were some of your favorite “Sixthman” characters?

Kappy and Chardy, definitely. Those two dudes are so cool. Kappy is a big Viking-looking dude who is just made of “nice”, and Chardy is a smaller guy made of the same stuff. They both watched the TAKEOVER! doc, and actually loved it so much they screened it again immediately after the first one.

Describe what it felt like to be on the behemoth that is the Carnival “Destiny” cruise ship

It felt like this. Left a little bit. Right a little bit. Left a little bit. Right a little bit. Up a little bit. Down a little bit. Left a little bit. You get the idea. Some rooms were worse than others. There was a low-ceilinged room near the front of the boat with no windows and that was brutal. I avoided that room at all costs.

Say a thing or two about the other bands.

Expendables…super nice guys. Nice, easy reggae/punk sound. Such level people. Pepper….I can pretty much say the same thing about these guys, except these dudes are a little wilder. They got such a kick out of “Yoga with Bonesaw” (one of the events on the cruise, what a trip that was to see Bonesaw leading a hundred or so people in early morning yoga sessions on the Lido Deck outside. He did great!) The Movement…solid, solid dubbed out reggae, and good guys to boot. Bass player Jay has such good energy and tone. Those guys are good people. That’s the thing about these bands, they’re all so nice. Very refreshing. And of course the Trailer Park Ninjas, the cover/party band on the boat. They go on cruises all the time, so they were our go-to guys on how to deal with motion sickness (buy sea-bands to put around your wrists) and all that kind of stuff. And oh yeah! 311! One word. Excellent. Been a fan since I was a kid, and their live show is untouchable.

How did the screening of “TAKEOVER!” go?

The screening was packed! And they showed it twice! I was so please with how it turned out. There was laughter aplenty, clapping at key moments in the film when we had some success. It was just awesome. Really looking forward to getting this thing distributed and played at Film Festivals and all that jazz.

Talk about some of your favorite cruisers. Make an All-Star team.

Oscar! Miss Utah! Brian “Dennis Wilson” Smith! Chardy! Kappy! Adam! Peter! BRETT CONDRADDDDDDDT!! That dude who coaches lacrosse at Chesnutt Hill in PA! Julie and The Nurse, from Tulsa! Amber from Connecticut! Greg and his buddy (what was your name again dude?) from Branford, CT! Wayne Price! JT! Trichrome! Nine-point-Five! Our friends who threw the banana off the boat with us the last night! The dog tattoo dude! Brittany Ingold with her octopus henna tattoo and her boy (dude, refresh my memory.) Mike and Mike! (Somehow ya’ll ended up on the artists’ shuttle to get onto the boat, but it really felt like you belonged. So glad we met ya’ll. Start a band called “The Mikes”) And who can forget, Andy! He of the rum-and-gatorade-within-5-minutes-of-being-on-the-boat fame. So many more.

What were the 311 shows like? Where did you watch them from?

The 311 shows were insane. They went reaaaaal heavy on their last show, which got me so pumped. They opened that third show with Sicktight and Brodels. BRODELS! Another highlight had to be Gap. Man, those guys are still killin it hard, and they are in amazing shape. Still jumpin around and doing their thing.

How much did you sleep?

About 4 hours a night. It was difficult to justify sleeping.

How did we end up throwing an orange off the back of the boat on the last night?

Ya know, even though I was there, I never thought to ask Smell why we were heading up to the top deck to throw an orange off the back of the boat. We just kind of followed him and understood it as an end-of-cruise ritual. A sort of offering to the ocean.

What did you do when we docked at Grand Turk for the afternoon?

Smell, Bone, Chito and I went off the path. We headed inland on a hike. Grand Turk is a very unforgiving landscape. Little shade, thorny bushes, wild donkey roaming around (shooting us decidedly sinister glares). We went swimming, collected Conch shells, then headed back to where everybody on the boat was and hung out, swam some more, and had some Coronas with Morgan, Julie, and The Nurse.

What was your favorite moment?

The show on the Lido Deck was close, but in the end, my 311-mega-fan status gets the best of me, and I have to say my favorite moment was seeing the guys play “Brodels” that 3rd night. I never thought I’d see them play that song live, so I was blown away. It was also cool to hear Chad say that this was his favorite moment of the cruise as well.

February 28, 2011

Yesterday we played a 20-Tour acoustic show in Houston for Andrew Hartnett and friends. It was pretty standard really. We played some songs, had a good time, the usual. Oh, except it was at FREAKIN’ NASA and we were playing underneath a FOUR HUNDRED FOOT ROCKETSHIP!

Key information right there.

Andrew was a great host. Before the show we went out to eat together at BJ’s. Did you know that BJ’s doesn’t brew its own beer anymore? They outsourced it to St. Arnold’s Brewing. In any case, Chito and I enjoyed a smooth, malty Tatonka Imperial Stout (10%) and Smell hopped himself up with a Piranha Pale Ale (% unknown, but we guessed about 5-6). We had stuff to eat too, but that’s not as fun as talking about beer.

Then it was time for the launch. There is a video of the performance at the end of this entry, but first let’s play a game. (Back story: At dinner last night we were wondering what we would name our band if all four of us were NASA employees. Chito had the best one (“Down to Earth”), but there were some other good ones as well; “Zero G” and “The Roy OrbitSons” come to mind.) So…. If you write into our Facebook page with a great name for a NASA-themed band, you will receive a free piece of advice from Smell at the next Full Service show you attend. (Including, but certainly not limited to; health tips, work-related queries, thoughts on love, religious ponderings, and instructions on how to survive in the wild.)

Send in your suggestions!

Believe it or not we can't post the video til we get cleararnce from NASA (no joke), so stay tuned for that. . .

November 25, 2010

What We've Learned On November Tour (Part 2)

If your friends in Scotty Don’t have a new song called “Karate”, it’s only a matter of time before Bonesaw suggests that the four of you dress up in karate outfits and bum rush the stage. (VIDEO)

If you dare Puffin to drink an entire Monster “BFC” (big f***in can) energy drink, his response will likely be, “Oh dude…I was gonna drink one awyway”. Wilsaw will predict heart-failure for our hero, but only glory awaits ol’ Puff. He’s a professional energy-drink drinker. Also loves corn-dogs and jerky by the way.

When your selector pedal goes out (the pedal that lets you switch from a distorted to a clean guitar sound), cussing at it will not fix the problem. It’s best to have a good friend like Pat who has the wherewithal to actually find solutions to technical problems. He’ll bail you out. (Bonesaw thanks you, Pat).

If you’re in line at a breakfast joint in Columbia, MO, and a woman approaches you and says “I got you today”, then proceeds to pay for your meal, you’ll think to yourself “Wow, this is great. I’m running low on cash for the rest of the tour and here comes this lady being real nice and golly gee isn’t this just a great day?” Later, though, you’ll start to feel like a homeless schmuck who someone took pity on. But then even later, you’ll go back to feeling awesome about it. (As told to me by Smell).

If you’re touring the country with Wilsaw, he’ll take the floor space most of the time, but sooner or later, just for one night, he’ll say “f*** it” and plop himself down on one of the beds in the hotel room. Then Bonesaw will call Twink and Smell and suggest that one of them ride on the bus with the SD/BF guys because it’s not looking like Wilson’s into sharing the bed. Dude is splayed out. Good for him.

If you’re driving on the highway and you see a pile of dear-heads in the back of a pickup truck…well, that just sucks. And it’ll f*** you up for a little bit.

If you take the timbale out into the crowd during the drum-solo section of Scotty Don’ts “Once Again”, don’t bother to ask a hipster to take a turn. He’s a hipster. Hipsters don’t do things other people do. They do things other hipsters do. (From Scott Begin: “How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Oh never mind, the number’s too obscure, you’ve probably never heard of it.”)

If you’re bored at Wal-Mart, try this game: Go to the book section and read the last sentences of romance novels to your friend Smell. You can also call your friend Pat and read them to him over the phone.

If you’re in the crowd and you find yourself really wanting to yell “freebird”, know this; if you succumb to that desire you will be met with a swift verbal lashing from Smell. Over the mic. He’ll tell you he hates you, you’re a d*****-b**, and that you should leave immediately. Then, when he finds you in the pit during the Scotty Don’t set, he’ll point his finger (“You!!”) and run towards you like a ram in a pigpen. You’re on your own at that point.

If you leave the back of the Whale open overnight in your hotel parking lot, your stuff won’t get stolen.

Actually it might. Don’t take that advice. We just got lucky.

If you’re guest-shredding on a Scotty Don’t song and you and Pat get up on the drum riser to do a double jump, be on your toes. Pat will fake you out and get you to jump early, then he’ll climb up to a higher riser and collect the glory as he triumphantly launches himself to the stage whilst ripping out a giant chord. (He got ya Bonesaw).

As you enter the 7th hour of an 8-hour drive to a gig, try not to lose your mind. You may feel the urge to start playing games like “hand-holding contest” with your friend Smell. Avoid these urges. It’s a nauseating game and he always wins.

If you find yourself getting very attached to a $2 green bouncy ball that you find in the muddy parking lot of “Pop’s” in East St. Louis, take caution; it’s only a matter of time before somebody hits it onto the roof by accident and you become obsessed with getting it back down. Then you’ll find yourself being late for the start of your set, and then you’ve got a problem, and you’ve probably been on this tour way to goddamn long.

When Wilsaw sleeps in a closet, you can still hear him snore. Door shut and everything. Pretty impressive.

If you are dancing at a party after a show and you see a dime on the floor, but you’re too embarrassed to stop dancing and pick it up for fear that you might look….pitiful…, so you simply decide to adjust your dance moves so that they incorporate a maneuver that can be used to pick up a dime (like a low twist move)…If you do all this….just for a dime….in the middle of a dance party…

….then you are Smellman.

November 15, 2010

CAST OF PLAYERS :
Smell, Hoag, Bonesaw, Twinky-P: Full Service members
Chris “Wilsaw” Wilson: roadie/merch guy/friend/poet
Ty “Puffin” Bennett: roadie/merch guy/cousin/meat-eating candy freak
Pat, Scott, Joel, Dorian: Scotty Don’t and Badfish members
Ryan: Scotty Don’t sound guy/tour manager/friend
Tim: Scotty Don’t merch-guy/kambucha brewer/friend
Mary: Pat’s girlfriend

What We’ve Learned on the November Tour

Well it’s halftime here on the November tour, so it’s an appropriate time to sit down and make a list of some of the key things we’ve learned about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Here goes nothin’…I tried to keep it chronological, which is why the first three lessons are about Tim, who we picked up on our way to the first show.

When you stay at Tim’s mom’s house in Atlanta, keep these three things in mind: Trick-or-treaters are welcome no matter if it’s October 31st or November 4th; there’s a room called “the bonus room” in which guests may sleep on either a bed or a “care bear lounge-chair” (Smell slept on the bed and I slept on the C.B.L.C); and the living room doubles as a world-class pottery museum. An excellent home indeed.

Tim’s way of asking if somebody farted is by asking if someone has “been eating some fart sticks”.

Tim is an avid dumpster-diver. If you accompany him on a diving expedition, it’s probably best to refuse to eat the moldy peppers that he obtains. (PIC)

“Yoga-One” yoga studio is a great place to get absolutely rocked before a show. Ask Lindsey Crisp to lead you through an hour of the hardest yoga known to man. Then pour every available drop of sweat onto those mats and come out of the 103 degree room smelling better than you had when you came in. Even Dorian will notice when you got back to the club. (Just take the compliment and don’t tell him that it was probably just the incense and perfumes wafting through the room).

When you play soccer near a power-plant before a show in Myrtle Beach and somebody kicks the soccer ball over the barbed-wire and into the scary power area with voltage signs posted everywhere, this is not a sufficient deterrent to someone with the cojones of Mr. Elliott “Smellman” Lardon. (Joel: “Smell!!! It’s not worth it!!!”)

When at Disney World eating underneath the giant mushroom at the Rainforest Café, don’t ask the bartender if the animatronic gorillas on the “mountainside” are real. She’ll laugh at you. Same thing with the dragon in the water.

If you’re throwing the Frisbee on the lawn outside the House of Blues, a security guard will probably come by and tell you two things. One, put on a shirt, and two, watch out for snakes. (Really?)

At the H.O.B Orlando, don’t be alarmed if a strong smell of popcorn overtakes the stage during your 3rd or 4th song. It’s strange and inexplicable, but apparently normal.
If you want Bonesaw to let you go to the after-party at the House of Blues after the rock show, it’s best to approach him in a group of 5 with your arms locked and with your resolve firm.

When you try to take a turn in the pop-and-lock circle at said after-party, it’s best to actually having a f***ing clue what you’re doing. They’ll laugh at you. Unless you’re Twinky-P, then they’ll compliment you.

A jam session of the “Roaming Dragons” material is probably the best way to spend a day off at Pat and Mary’s house in St. Augustine, FL. That, and surfing and motorcycle riding and having a t-shirt draft of Pat’s old T-shirts that he doesn’t want anymore (my top-score, a red State Radio short sleeve) and having a giant taco feast. Oh, and if you find a starfish on the beach, what you should probably do with it is super-glue it to the front of the Whale. (Was that obvious?)

There may not be a better hostess in the land than Mary. Beds all made up when we got there? Check. Bowl of eggs in the morning? Check. Bowl of Pineapple and Watermelon? Check. Coffee? Check. Cereal? Check. You get the idea.
When you get to a dunkin donuts for breakfast the morning after a show, it’s best to beat your buddies in a sprint to the counter because for some really annoying reason there is never more than 1 frickin’ multi-grain bagel left at 10 am.

If Wilsaw sleeps on the floor under the desk in the hotel room, it’s for two reasons. One, he finds he gets a better sleep underneath some sort of shelter, and two, he’s trying to contain the volume of his snoring. (How considerate).

If you’re bored at Walmart, try this little game. Head to the book section with a buddy of yours (Smell) and read the last sentences of romance novels to one another. And when this gets old (it happens quickly) head over to the musical instrument section and make beats using the percussion settings on the keyboards. WATCH THE VIDEO

At the “Captain Hiram’s” club in Sebastian, FL, they have a special area designed for “Full Service Dining”. This is probably where you want to dine if you’re in a band called….alright you get the idea. (PIC)

Tennis is fun even when you can’t play tennis and it turns into a game of “serve it as hard as you can at each other faces”. (PIC)

There is no better way to cap a night of serious Sebastian, FL rocking than to head to a fire-pit on the beach and slug brews with the entire crew you’ve been travelling with, plus Matt and Jaala Bain.

No matter what anybody tells you, playing “King of the Mountain” at 2am on a pile of sand at the back of the club is a GREAT idea. (PIC)

No matter what anybody tells you, commandeering a 12-passenger golf cart that is sitting idle outside of the club at 2:04am is a TERRIBLE idea.

If you pull into a gas station in Jacksonville, FL because you hear a rattling noise near the front left wheel of the Whale, what you need to do is get out of the van, take off the hubcab, panic because this releases smoke, stare at the wheel bearing for 2 minutes, regroup, attempt to drive the remaining six miles to a Tire Kingdom, realize this will be impossible, pull into a strip mall, call AAA, and wait two hours to get towed.

During those two hours, these are the two best ways to kill time: Take the mini soccer ball out of the van and find a wall at the side of the hair salon against which you can play “butts up”. When the ball sails over the wall, it’s probably best not to try to scale the rickety fence that’s barely nailed together. The fence isn’t tall enough to get you to the top of the roof anyway. This is when you retire the butts up game and start a new game; roll up a newspaper, gather a bunch of acorns together, and take batting practice.

Watch your footing onstage after Pat sprays beer out of his mouth during the jam on Scotty Don’t ‘s “Once Again”. You just might bite it in front of hundreds of people. In the event of this happening, pretend like you meant to do it, hop right up, and join him for the harmonies on the chorus.

When somebody offers you their new Adidas Sambas for the old ones that you’re wearing (a Twinky-P story), accept. Then sign your old shoes for the dude as a gesture of your appreciation.

One of the coolest things a fan can do is come to the show bearing the following gifts; custom made Full Service dog tags and two gallons of premium India Pale Ale from a local micro-brewery. (Thanks Ian Beard).

When a hotel stairwell has some of the most excellent natural reverb you’ve ever heard, take a moment and have a quick vocal rehearsal before heading upstairs to bed.
If you find out that your touring vehicle cannot be repaired for a few days, and you have a show today in Ft. Lauderdale, shell out some dough for a Chevy Traverse rental car and get the hell down to that gig. The Whale will be jealous and feel guilty about letting you down, but assure him that you will be back for him and that he shouldn’t beat himself up. You know how loyal he is and that he would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.

If you’re travelling down I-95 and see the Oscar Wiener mobile, take a picture. Those things are rare.

If a promo-girl from Monster Energy drinks offers you a free “BFC” (Big F***in’ Can, i.e. a 32 ounce death-juice comprised of a quarter pound of sugar and nuclear horse-piss) DO NOT accept. The thing is huge, evil, and it has no place on this earth.

To mix up a set, you might consider having Wilsaw do a poetry reading of Shel Silverstien before your last song. That poem should probably be “Rock n Roll Band”, and it should be recited while wearing sunglasses and a preposterously large blonde wig you bought for $3 at Walmart.

After you play a show at Revolution Live in Ft. Lauderdale, head next door to “America’s Backyard” and form a dance circle with the entire tour crew and some fans (Azeria, Campos, Spohn, etc). Don’t concern yourself with the fact that the DJ is spinning some sort of Justin Bieber re-mix. Just dance until 4 in the morning. And if you’re Tim, wear your merch head-lamp the entire time.

And of course, after the dance party, grab a cart from the back of a McDonald’s and take turns pushing each other around. It’s especially fun when someone falls off. (PIC)

The next morning, as you sit in a parking lot awaiting word from a fan (Alex Azeria) about whether or not he was able to find the exact part you need for the whale (which is still up in Jacksonville), think twice before telling Smell you could pull him from the car seat and throw him in the fern bed next to the whale in ten seconds or less. He’ll dare you to try, and the whole ordeal will be more effort than it’s worth. And Bonesaw will yell at you. And you’ll feel like the child you are.

When you finally receive word from Alex that he has, indeed, found the part, thank him from the very bottom of your heart, promise him free CD’s, tickets, and t-shirts for life, go by the junkyard to grab the part, swaddle it in newspaper like a donated organ, and hightail it up to Jacksonville to start the transplant. And when the mechanic tells you, oops, this is actually not the kind we need after all, take it in stride and call up your mom’s friends Roseanne and Bill who live in Sawgrass Country Club ten minutes away. They will care for you for the next two days, make you incredible lunches and dinners, and let you borrow their golf cart to ride to the beach so you can play beach football. It’s best to take an afternoon to get out of their hair, too, and some of the ways you can kill time in downtown Jax Beach are A) accompanying Bonesaw to get his 2% tattoo, B) hanging out at Cabo’s Pizza where the slices are the size of Rhode Island, and C) buying a pair of sunglasses that fold up five ways into a tiny little package.

tattoo

After you buy those sunglasses, head back to Roseanne and Bill’s and avoid a friendly game of soccer juggling with your friend Wilsaw, because he’ll only end up launching a no-look back-heel MISSILE that will hit you directly in the chest where you happen to be hanging your sunglasses off your shirt. Your sunglasses will shatter and you’ll get right back into the car, drive down to Jax Beach, and have to explain to the lady behind the counter why you’re a moron who couldn’t go 25 minutes without breaking your new pair of sunglasses. She’ll then pity you and comp you a pair, because she probably appreciates the fact that you told her the truth.

When the whale finally gets fixed, the best way to bless the rest of the journey is to pen a prayer/poem for your beloved vehicle and read it aloud with everybody crowded around the hood.

Priceline is the best way to find a great hotel, but take great care with choosing where you stay the night at the half way point of your drive to Columbia, MO.

Marietta, GA, for instance, is probably not the best place to hunker down. First of all, “The Rose and Crown Tavern” does not exist. Don’t go looking for it. And if you do go looking for it, make sure one of you brings a phone that is charged, otherwise you’ll get lost and drive in circles for half an hour only to end up at an Applebee’s, where—for some unfathomable reason—they are showing some sort of Tina Fey awards ceremony and not the Steelers/Patriots game. But after all is said and done, you’ll at least come away with the observation that, with her hair done up in a certain way, Tina Fey bears a frightening resemblance to Luke Perry from Beverly Hills 90210.

And finally, one of the greatest lessons of life on the road. Ready? Peanut Butter jars are bulls***and they’ve been bulls*** forever. After a certain point it’s just flat out impossible to get the peanut butter out of the jar with a plastic knife. The industry needs to address this. Wilsaw theorized about a possible “deodorant-style” twist & push system, which seems like a great place to start.

Alright, more to come later.

FOR ALL THE OTHER UPDATES, CLICK HERE!!